Wait

Often I come here for your words

my feet working in steady measure with my mind

not stopping lest my prayers follow suit

stepping out as my emotions move in

I come here for your words but I can't hear them over the maelstrom caused by my own

I begin the work to break through

an anchored pattern of gratitude and adoration

A for authority

B for benevolent

C for comforting...

I come here for your words but insist on replacing them with my own

I move on and carve out space to listen

emotions and requests immediately fill the aperture

longings, hurts, needs, fears, hopes

I try and keep them out, like holding back waves with a single stone

I don't want to always speak, I just want to listen

I came here for your words! so why are you not speaking?

the hands of time press on without me and my anxiousness grows

why are you withholding? isn't this what you want?

and then in the silence I hear what you are saying

the realization settles that both my feet and my mind have overstepped once again

I have chosen my plans over yours

as if you are owned by me and must show up when I say

as if you answer to me and can be shut out when I say

and then I remember why I came

I came here for your words because they are precious and worthy

because they are as breath to me

they are worth the crossing and the trial

so I will hold on to your command to be still

and I will wait patiently for the Lord

Psalm 37:7

Unbelief

2011 was a year that started with a trip to Colorado to prepare for a trip to Kosovo to prepare for a trip back home to prepare for the rest of my life which is now being lived out daily in preparation for I don't know what. But I would say in terms of growth and finding a deeper understanding of my purpose, 2011 has been one of the best years so far. As a natural response to learning what it means to fully follow Christ I found myself able to shed a lot of anxieties and fears that had marked the previous decade. And because I am being pursued by a God who knows just how to love me, opportunities to learn and experience this were in abundant supply so that I might have places to look back on and KNOW that I was being molded for a reason.

To be lost in the back streets of a foreign country and have no options for communication except to look up to my Father and ask him to tangibly guide me to where I am going. And to find myself just knowing which turns to make regardless of my never having taken them before. Trusting God becomes real when the solutions are sure to have come only from Him.

To be stuck in the city, keys locked in the car, hanging from the ignition and me having no way to pay for assistance except to look up and ask God for help, and then to have him send a man walking around the corner to call a tow truck and pay the bill, exclaiming as he left, "don't worry about it, its been a good year!" Receiving becomes real when the gifts are sure to have come only from Him.

And then to find myself drenched in confusion, seeking direction and praying earnestly for God's plan to reveal itself since my idea of a plan seemed to change by the hour, and then to have God literally pour out direction in the clearest form, replacing my confusion with guidance and my anxiety with peace. Seeking God becomes real when the answers are sure to have come only from Him.

Whether I like it or not, and I don't like it, I am a doubter. One of my favorite verses in the bible is when the father of a sick child cries out to Jesus to heal him and says "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" I pray that same thing very often. I am a doubter loved by a God who never waivers. I am waffley and he is steadfast. I know I believe, but there is also so much unbelief. And the unbelief makes its way in the form of selfish decisions and bad judgement calls. It shows up in the way I spend my money and the way I spend my time. It shows up in the money I spend on entertainment because I do not really believe God asks me to feed the hungry. It shows up in the care I spend putting together a perfectly matched outfit because I do not really believe God asks me to clothe the naked. It shows up on my phone bill and the check I write to cover my data plan because I do not really believe God asks me to care for orphans.

But I want to believe. To REALLY believe. To grow the belief I have from being a small thing that laces my actions to becoming the very thing that defines my actions. There are many things that I believe God has called me to do. Things that involve feeding the hungry and clothing the naked and loving orphans and I feel that God's leading has been more evident in the last two years than ever before in my life and He has patiently worked to cultivate desires in my heart that started out as slight notions but have now become full-fledged visions for the future I believe He has for me. And some of those desires He has planted so deeply within my soul that they have embedded themselves into my thoughts and I cannot imagine that others do not also have the same desires. I wonder how someone could *not* long to adopt a precious, lost child out of a life that screams forgotten into a family that boasts chosen and loved? (you should all consider adoption, just sayin)

And so my desire for 2012 is to take active steps to "help my unbelief" and to look for the things in my life that tell of that unbelief and then get rid of them. And i already know its going to be very difficult and I'm not gonna like it at first probably. I've already resolved to not buy any new clothes for the entire month of January and possibly February as well. And thats hard cause I really like buying clothes. And then to set aside money each month that is specifically for providing food for others who need it. And at some point... I will hopefully get to a point where.... I can... reduce my data plan on my phone and use that money to maybe sponsor a child. And it would be really easy to just go down and do that right now because I know I maybe should but I really want it to come from my heart because God loves a joyful giver and I don't want to do it only half-heartedly... and also I really like it.

So those are some of my goals for this next year. If you think of it you can pray for me and I posted them here as a way to hopefully hold myself accountable. And my prayer is that in taking these steps to follow Christ more fully, it will help my unbelief and I will find myself able to trust Him even more.

Happy New Year!

Lacking in Nothing

God did not create a world of scarcity. But the majority of the world's population are living in a state of not having "enough". Not enough food, not enough water, not enough shelter, not enough safety and not enough justice. But I live in America where I have more than enough food, water, shelter, safety and despite what most would argue, America has been gifted in justice as well.

So for me the problem is focused inward. I struggle regularly with feelings that *I* am not enough. As a student, I don't always get the grades I would like. As a hairdresser I don't always get the results I would like. As a youth leader, I don't spend as much time with the girls as I would like and I feel like I'm always missing their games, track meets, plays and performances. As an auntie I feel like I'm kissing Holly goodbye more than I'm just snuggling with her on the couch hiding under a blanket (which she loves). As a friend it feels like I'm constantly forgetting to text someone back or get together with that person like we've been planning. And as an overall productive member of society, I still don't have a real job that pays me a regular salary.

And sometimes I feel totally crushed under the weight of all that. And I feel like I should just quit everything and go live in the forest or something. Because I'm "obviously" just letting everyone down and didn't you know that the ENTIRE WORLD is depending on me to watch their kids and do their hair and paint their houses and disciple their high school girls and get a college degree and a husband?

But really, thats just how I feel, but its not what i know. Because what i know is that the movie is not about me and in the same way that God didn't create a world of scarcity, he also did not save me and give me his spirit so that I could feel like someone who is lacking and unable to live the life He's got for me. Because its true, I'm not enough. And when I'm trying to be something for everyone out of just my own abilities, I end up not having enough for anyone. On my own I'm not enough but in Christ I am completely whole and healthy fit for good works which God prepared in advance for me to do (ephesians 2:10). And if its in my weakness that God is glorified then how is it any credit to Him when I pretend to be handling all of life just great on my own?

And the truth is, I love my life! I really do. I'm so grateful that I get to spend my time with kids that I love and high school girls that I love, and that I get to use other peoples' homes and heads as outlets for the creativity God gifted to me. I love that my life is such that because I don't have a serious job, I could leave for 3 months to Kosovo. And I love that my schedule includes: "stay up for 24 hours with good friends and high schoolers playing games". So please don't hear me say I am not thankful, because I am! And please don't hear me say I don't enjoy it, because I do!

I read a quote this week that said "the christian life is either supernatural or its nothing". So, I can either look at the responsibilities surging in the coming days (and years) and feel crushed and inadequate or I can trust God, move forward and watch the supernatural.

Option number 2 please.

Giving Away Our Stff

I had to wait a few days before I could write this post. I had to let things settle in for me. Sometimes when you go away to a place you build up the emotional experience inside so much that you think it was the place that held the intrigue when really it was just your own chemicals firing off in a certain way.

Jump.

When I was in middle school and going into grade school I believe the lord really put a calling on my heart to love and care for the poor and homeless. He just did. Theres really nothing else I can say but that. And if you ask people that knew me then they could probably tell you that when it came to ministry options, thats where my vote went every time. And it got really serious going into high school, and I started doing art projects centered around the rejected places in society and essays on social justice and homelessness in America. I read books about those living in poverty and loved things like Relevant magazine because they put a big emphasis on those social justice issues.

Thats not me being great. Thats straight Holy Spirit, God's grace, Jesus' example.

But I don't play instruments and I'm too shy to sing and I'm not gifted in athletics and I don't love to talk in front of people and so my preferred way to serve has always been giving. If I have it and you need it, then I want you to have it instead. Thats kinda all I got anyway.

So while talking with a woman we met up with in Salem who basically turned out to be bizarro Kayla, just a few years older, and also married with a baby (nice to see thats where my life is headed though) her, and my friend Andrea and I had a long talk over lunch about ministry within the church and what that looks like and what it should look like and how originally the whole reason behind ministering to the church body was so that the church could then in turn go out and minister to those who were in need of it. And how thats a far cry from some of these mega-churches that get built so those within the walls can become increasingly more comfortable so that they can start new programs for themselves etc. etc. all the while not doing a whole lot to meet the needs of the poor and broken within their city.

But probably my favorite thing about the whole discussion this statement made by our Salem friend when she said "if I ever start buying things that are so expensive and valuable to me that I can't bring myself to give them away to someone else who needs them, then I need to not have those things to begin with".

And I just totally love that. And believe it. And want to keep it in mind and remember it every time I go to spend my money. Even though its not my money to begin with.

Thats all I got.

Think about it.

Why Do I Ever Doubt?

Its 10:30pm on tuesday the 15th of March and I currently have a gaping hole in each of the four corners of my mouth. For the last three days my sole mission in life has just been to make sure no stray food particles get trapped in any of those holes. So far so good. I take this task very seriously as said caves are a somewhat direct, somewhat indirect result of my upcoming missions trip to Kosovo.

So I want to share a few stories because I think it is good for us to rejoice in each other's blessings and be blessed by extension. I don't share any of these to say how great *I am* that people have given or to share other peoples' business or anything like that but rather just to show how great God has been in spite of how doubtful I have been in so much of this.

So that being said,

Story number 1:

Before I knew where I was going for sure, before I had any dates nailed down and before I even was convinced that God was for sure calling me to missions I got a text.

It was late at night and that evening had been one of much doubts. Yeah I felt like God was calling me to missions work but I had never really done anything like this before. I would miss home a lot. It would be hard. I would get scared. It would take A LOT of money. Maybe I misheard him. How could I know for sure?

*chimes*

text message

(quick paraphrase) "hey i know its late but I just wanted to let you know that we are super excited about you wanting to do missions work and we think its great that you're willing to serve the lord like that and so we just want you to know that we're definitely going to be praying for you and that we really feel like God is calling us to support you financially so keep us posted on what you need because we really want to join with you in this"

Me. Almost in tears. Blown away. There was just something about getting that text that was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Confirmation. And also knowing that God had put it on OTHER peoples' hearts to join me in this as well. That was huge. And also a lot of relief that I didn't just make this up one day cause I was bored. There really was a plan.

But that is just story number one (and there is actually more to that story that makes it even cooler but I'll keep that for now).

Story number two:

Some friends of some friends were coming into town and I was going to be giving her a haircut. They are a young couple and he just started a job as a pastor at a tiny church where naturally they are not rolling in the dough. In fact they had very little money at the time. Barely enough to drive up for her own baby shower. And so I was going to cut her hair, no charge just as a favor. Try and bless them. Ha. I finish the haircut and they instead turn around and give me a bunch of cash and say they have money that they give to other missionaries and they want me to use it for my missions trip to Kosovo. Again I was so humbled. Here I was thinking I would bless them and then they totally turn around and bless the crud outta me with *their* giving.

But thats just story number 2 :)

Story number 3;

I needed new glasses before I leave since my current pair got smashed in an unfortunate French bounce house incident while on my last missions trip, and I'll most likely not be able to wear my contacts as much as I'm used to while in Kosovo. So last week I went into the office of my eye doctor (who is also a Christian) and long story short he totally gave me a huge discount on my glasses because he wanted me to be able to use the money for my trip. Amazing! I didn't even know he really knew I was planning to go anywhere. God once again meeting my needs through willing hearts within the Church.

But thats just story number 3... Deep breath.

Story number 4!;

The holes.

Some friends of mine who I first got to know through a random painting job and then a while later started watching their two boys on a regular basis also happen to own their own dentistry practice and also happen to love the lord and have generous hearts. They knew my wisdom teeth were bothering me and needed to come out but it was going to cost quite a bit of money and because I don't have any insurance, it was going to have to be paid fully by me. So I prayed about it a little and just felt God wanted my money to go towards getting me to Kosovo and so I was going to trust him to just take care of it. Heal them up, miraculously remove them, I didn't know. I just knew he wanted me to trust him for it.

Several months later I was at their home after watching the kids when they told me they really wanted to support me for my trip to Kosovo but that they also didn't want me having a wisdom tooth flair up in a ghetto country and so they were going to... wait for it.... remove all four of my teeth the next week.... no charge.

I was so floored. There was my answer right there. God's people living generously, and my needs were being met just like God said they would be. I am still so so thankful to them for their willingness to love the lord in that way.

And story #5 which I love cause it has almost nothing to do with me :)

In the fundraising guide book they gave us, there was a section that said it was a good idea to pick someone that you wanted to support you, and through prayer alone, see what God did. And it also said you should be specific and write down the amount that you felt God wanted you to pray for from them. So I prayed about this and picked some family members who don't live around here and at the time hadn't heard anything about my trip to Kosovo. I made the decision to just pray about it and see what God did.

Well long story short, I never said anything to them about it but my grandma I guess mentioned it one day on the phone and their response was, well how much does she need? And then it was pretty much left at that.

Until tonight when I got home and my mom informed me that said family members were going to be driving through on their way to washington and wanted to stop so they could give me some money for my trip. The amount? Exactly what I had written down to ask God for. Not even kidding. You can check my prayer journal if you don't believe me. UH-mazing. I never had to say one word to them about anything. I just prayed and God took care of all of it.

And I have so many more stories that I could keep going with. All of them so precious and important. People who have chosen to give despite not having an excess in their bank account and despite having other hardships that might keep many of us from trusting God. All of them are blessings the Lord has given me throughout this adventure. Examples of ways that the body of Christ has stepped up and readily and graciously reached out to meet my needs whatever they might be. And its given me so many examples of God's goodness to fall back on when I am doubting his hand in this. These last couple months have taught me more about what it means to be generous and willing to serve than any sermon or bible study on either topic ever could have. I have truly been overwhelmed by it all.

So thank you to all of you who have given me stories like this. I love watching the church function how it was intended and I pray that God will enable me to give and serve in ways like this as I've learned from the examples of others who have stepped out in faith and generosity and freedom despite "logic" or what may be considered "responsible financial planning". I am really learning so much through this!

Balloons

I don't like to give a lot of mindspace to the "live life to the fullest" mentality. I just think its trite and usually very self centered. However, I cannot help but feel a little gipped when I think about how 5 year old me really believed that by this point in life I would have already stumbled upon at least one deflated helium balloon that had given up and fallen from the sky over a random location after being let go at a parade or the zoo. Its always been a dream of mine to find one. You just know there has to be millions out there. What happens to them? They can't keep flying up forever. But surely they don't stay in space long enough to disintegrate. Where do they all land? Maybe they just eventually explode from the increase in pressure, but still, what of the ribbon they were attached to? I just find it hard to believe that I haven't found even ONE by now, thats all.

When I was little I used to write notes and put them in balloons and then send them flying up into the air hoping someone would get my note and send me one back. I'm still waiting though.

we can't imagine heaven without our family, but we can imagine it without Christ?

There have been many days where I have not snuggled into the grace of God over my life. Too many days where I've ignored it. And more days than I'd like to admit where my pride has told me that I didn't even need it.

I've got this.

I work hard.

I'm handling it

It's up to me.

I'll figure this out.

The disconnect for me had always been that sometimes it really DID feel like I'm the one making things happen. Sometimes I can get through an entire day with relative success, problem solving and organizing and then realize at the end of it that I never once asked God for his help or what his plans might have been. Then my response to that was often a subconscience, "well its cool cause things worked out in the end".

Until I realized what I was really saying was "Its cool God cause I really only want you for the benefits and if I can get relatively the same positive results without you, then I'm good with it"

Far cry from love.

Then I read something one day. A lot of us have probably already read it and it came from J.Pipe, and it was this;

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—

is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the

friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and

all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties

you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no

human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with

heaven, if Christ were not there? "

And when I first read that, I knew the answer my heart first gave was "yes".

And then I realized IT.

And then I cried.

Cuz I'm a crier.

Because at that point in my life, I had drifted to a place where Christ cared about me being in heaven with him way more than I cared about him being in Heaven with me. And he gave up everything to get me there, I was willing to give up nothing in order to "enjoy" life down here.

I think that is when I fully realized how far away I had slid.

The good news though, has always been that reconciliation with God is only one heart condition away. And its God's kindness that draws us to repentance and so through His love and kindness, my repentance, and his forgiveness, things have been restored.

BUT

it is a good reminder when I find myself falling back into the patterns of just "getting life done" that I need to check myself and determine what things I am really striving to attain. Am I suffering for joy, or am I just suffering? Am I really after a relationship with God who loves me, or am I just after his stuff?

Jesus help me.

Girls and Lies

Right now I have about sixty little scraps of paper in a Michael's bag in the sock drawer of my bed. Not a big deal. Except that really I don't like the bag being so close to me while I sleep. But I know if I move it I'll forget to pray over it. And I feel the need to pray over it because on each scrap of paper are written lies that come straight from hell.

This weekend I went to camp and spoke to approximately 50 plus high school girls on where our identity is found and how that shapes the way we live and the way we act. Also we talked about some of the lies that we believe and allow ourselves to be defined by, specifically in regards to love, because that was the theme. And when I was done I asked the girls to write down, anonymously, on a piece of paper the lie that they most believed about themselves that was affecting the way they lived. And then I collected them. And then on another piece of paper I asked them to write down the lie and underneath to write down a verse that speaks against that lie for them to keep. Here were some of the responses;

You read these responses and there's no much hurt and insecurity and rejection and shame. And the girls cranked these out in no time. It did not take them more than a few minutes to know what they wanted to put on that paper.

Also, most of the things written on the papers were repeats. I think there were only a couple that said something completely unique. And I bet if you asked a group of 1000 girls you'd still get the same 15 answers from all of them.

So those are the thoughts that are driving most high school girls to act the way they do. All of them admittedly working from these places of hurt and searching for ways to heal that hurt. Looking to anything and everything for approval. And they're wearing themselves out and coming up exhausted and with greater pain.

And Jesus hung for that.

Hung so we could avoid that.

Hung so that we could be free from the the need for approval from others because we now have access to his approval, and He runs things.

But we have to believe it. And then we have to live it.

Practice What You Preach

"She started carrying a purse full of peppermints earlier than most"-- my gravestone

If I were completely honest, then I would have to admit that I sometimes worry I'm going to end up being an old spinster with a cat and a garden and the boxed set of Golden Girls on dvd. Complete with bonus features for those extra lonely nights when I just need a fresh laugh.

And all the children of the children I now spend my current life babysitting, will refer to me as nanna and ask me to tell them stories of when I watched their parents and all the shenanigans they got into. Oh the shenanigans!

It could be fun actually.

It also sounds like my worst nightmare and I pray it doesn't come true.

Segue

I'm supposed to be speaking to high school girls this weekend on the importance of finding our identity in how God defines us and not anything else. And I don't know that I've ever been given more opportunities to remember that than this week.

Funny.

But not haha funny.

More like really God you had to make sure I was serious about it? funny.

Which isn't funny at all.

It has actually been really exhausting.

But a good kind of exhausting in that I can now speak with confidence that yes, surrendering your future over to the lord is a very difficult thing to do, (and I'm sure I haven't struggled with the last of it), BUT it is the only thing that has ever brought me any real joy.

Believe that or not. It is the truth.