Why I Cry at Christmas

Its officially 6 minutes into Christmas Eve which means among other things, that Santa is probably up at the north pole right now doing the final inspections on the sleigh and the list before the big run tonight. It also means I should be in bed which is heavily evidenced by that last sentence.

Just plain silliness.

Everyone knows Santa checks the list like weeks before Christmas.

Ok, I know what I wanna say so I'll make it quick.
I love Christmas time because regardless of whether or not its "how it should be", in the time surrounding Christmas more than any other time in the year, people's hearts and minds are seemingly more geared towards thoughts of things bigger than themselves. Whether thats God or family or generosity or thankfulness. Culture just seems to be saturated with these kinds of ideas (even if they are just being used as a ploy to sell more crescent rolls).

Heres my point. I say a lot of things about God and Christ and a bigger picture where we are all living lives in light of eternity. I talk about this stuff all the time, like I'm getting paid for it.

And some of you don't believe it.

A lot of you don't believe it.

Some of you believe some of it but not all of it. I can't begin to think that I know whats in anyone's heart. But I know a lot of what's in my heart and if I didn't believe in something but I had a friend that kept pushing it on me like I was less of a human without it, I'd get really tired of hearing it. And I'd probably start to wonder if they even cared about me or if it was more just some weirdo contest to see if they could convince me over to their side. Like that would somehow validate what they're doing. Maybe you think those things about me.

I can't know unless you tell me.

But I can tell you this.

I've gone with my family to church every Christmas Eve for the last 20 years. And every year I fight back tears. Tonight I went to church and sung the same songs we always sing and heard the same message I always hear and I still cried at the thought of it.

God pursuing me.
Jesus coming for me.
to suffer for me.
to heal me.
to save me.

Because me=
broken
hurt
scared
nervous
insecure
lonely
selfish
guilty

And God.
Because of Jesus.
Doesn't care about
any.
of that.

And so I.
Because of Jesus.
Don't have to cary
any.
of that



Which frees me to give and serve and have

Joy.
Peace.
Love.


And thats what I want for you. That's why I keep saying the same things. Because 20 years in and its still bringing me to tears.

Merry Christmas!

80 Year Old Back Pain Teaches a Lesson

I think Jesus throws my back out when he knows I'm at my end and NEED a rest. Cause he knows that I'm awful when it comes to obeying his command to rest and I won't stop running and doing unless its absolutely necessary. Somewhere towards the end of Cosmo school I remember being 113% burnt out on life but still doing 40 hours a week at school, plus babysitting on mondays, plus high school group and bible study and church and meetings and painting jobs week after week after week just stuff. And at this particular time I was just too swamped with all of it and I remember feeling like I just need a BREAK. But I couldn't because I had no days off left from school.

Then that morning as I was making my lunch I bent down to grab a string cheese out of the fridge and snap! My back went out. Shooting pains all up my spine and down my legs. I couldn't stand up straight and I just stood there doubled over crying in pain like someone 4 times my age.

It was really attractive.

Long story short I went to the doctor later that day and he said I needed to stay out of school for at least a week. Which led me to think about all the things I could catch up on in that week. Or go hang out with friends, or go shopping. Except that God knew what I needed and for the first three days, it was so painful to walk all I could do was just stay home and lay on the couch. And even though my mind was too far gone in multi-task land to see it right away, at the end of that week it was so clear that "nothing" time was exactly what my body AND my soul needed.

The last day or two my back has been acting up again (I sound like the most out of shape 60 year old, but really its just something that runs in my family) and so today I came home and layed on the couch on the heating pad, hoping it would help the pain (I'm 100) and almost immediately after I layed down I thought, aw man I should have grabbed my phone so I could at least do something while I have to lay here.

Yeah.

It was like this subconcious but concious default setting of needing to be doing something or reading something or texting something or tweeting something.

And that's when I realized I have an addiction.

I have an addiction to multitasking, which isn't even a real thing because studies have shown us that its impossible for a human to multitask our brains can only just switch from one activity to another at a very rapid pace. Some more rapid than others :) But I've conditioned myself, my brain, to not be comfortable unless I'm involved in at least 3 things at once. This is horrible news. But it explains why I feel unsettled if I'm standing in a line at the store and I reach for my phone only to realize I left it in the car. What now? You mean I just have to stand still here in this line and do nothing? Aaaawwwkkward...

Or why just while walking from one store to the next, I'll log in and check my facebook. Or why I generally have 8 different search tabs open along with music and pictures. Its why I can no longer just sit and listen to a podcast by itself. Now I have to be playing robot unicorn attack while listening to a podcast (but seriously... that high score, untouchable).

So I'll conclude with this.

1. technology is great for a lot of things, but I blame the iphone and all its glorious cabilities for making me this way. Never had this problem with the shotty razr that could hardly text.

2. The above is just a symptom of a bigger heart issue. If I was comfortable just being where I am and taking time to listen to God's voice without noise or interruptions then I don't think I would be so drawn to those things in the first place.

3. I dont remember much about my senior year at high school but I know that the opening line for my ten page research paper final was the quote from Jim Elliot that said "wherever you are, be all there" and I repeat it to myself often. Apparantly to no avail.

4. I believe one of the spiritual ramifications of this problem is my frustrating struggle when it comes to spending any extended amount of time in prayer. And by extended I actually just mean more than 5 minutes solid.

5. I am greatly looking forward to my time in Kosovo with little electricty and most likely no cell phone as I'm hoping it will bring me back to a place where I dont need all those things going at once in order to feel right.

6. In the mean time I am going to work at just doing one thing at a time. Just one thing. Not texting at stop lights. Or checking my email while walking through the mall. I am going to put into effect the practice of "wherever I am, thats where I am".

and 7. In addition to realizing this problem I have, I've always recognized its coincidince with my inability to just be still, and listen, and meditate, and rest and create.

Its why God created sabbath. Because he knew that for us to function at our very best and healthiest then we were going to need days where we.
just.
exist.

Twenty in Twenty

Climbed to the top of the Eiffel tower (and stole a bunch of Eiffel tower pencils from this basket)
walked through the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa (much smaller than I would have thought)
Listened to some lady sing opera at notre dame
took the elevator to the top of the empire state building
(theres a gumball machine right next to the elevator cause your ears pop so much.
road a ferry to the statue of liberty
walked through George Washington's house
shopped at the mall of America (didn't buy anything but some pizza though)
saw U2 in concert on the last stop of their Vertigo tour (it was a weird show)
Swam in Hawaii
Watched planes fly over pearl harbor on Pearl Harbor day
Watched a Broadway play in new york
chewed the same piece of gum for a week (don't judge me)
caught a ball at a major league baseball game (with my brothers hat)
drank beer in Germany
ate cheese in Switzerland
switched drivers in a moving vehicle (true story. it was scary)
Tried on $1500 shoes at Saks Fifth Avenue
Watched all 3 Lord of the Rings extended editions in one sitting (wanted to hang myself though)
Been in a car crash (resulted in staples in the head)
Been to Disneyland several times
Etc. Etc.

Whats with the list high-lighting all the exciting experiences I've had and throwing in your face the fact that someone, somewhere obviously had some money? Well because I turned 20 today and that was the list of "memorable" things I could come up that I've done in the last 20 years. And I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out, but the point is that by most people's standards I've already lived a really full life. I mean I've done all things, been all those places, seen all those landmarks, and I'm just 20. But the thing about all that stuff is that a lot of it I can barely even remember and the stuff on that list that I do remember seems to be having very little effect on my actual character and the work I can do for the kingdom.

Today after church we were talking and a friend said, "it doesn't matter if you have a great plan for your life, if its not God's plan for your life then you're wasting your time".

Word.

And we were created by God so if we really want joy in our lives, it makes sense that we would need to care about the things God cares about. And God cares about people. But even more, God cares about peoples' hearts. And so I really need to start caring more about peoples' hearts. And not their hearts in relation to how they feel about me. But just pure unadulterated love for people regardless of how they relate to me.

So I've got that list, and those were all great things, and God blessed me in getting to see those things and watch those things and climb those things, and I've got a lot of name/place dropping I can do now I guess ("oh you mean the summer I spent in France? ah yes, just delightful!") But I'm really more than anything praying that from twenty on, I would care about God's plan for my life rather than my own, and that I would have people along side me that will make sure I'm caring about God's plan for my life, and that call me out when I'm not... even if the plan I came up with looks pretty decent. And that I would love more and love well.

And thats the plan :)

The News We've All Been Waiting For

So far in life I've had to make very few big decisions that were going to greatly alter the course of my life in any significant way. And I know that statements not actually true, cause it was all the small little decisions that made up my life and whatever, insert charming poster slogan here.
The point is, I've been able to rather discretely make most of my decisions based on "gut feelings" without anyone really noticing that many times there was very little logic or pragmatism behind my moves. And I've written before about how theres been some confusion in that for me as to whats the Holy Spirit directing and whats just me being selfish. And I will say that God has been so gracious in that. And he HAS been faithful to lead me.

But.

Before I started paying attention to any of that.
-The decision to leave high school a year early and do college? Just felt like what I should do.
-The decisions to miss LOTS of class and not worry about failing? Just always felt like it was gonna be fine. And it was.
-The decision to not purchase any text books for the classes I had signed up for my previous semester (even though I was several weeks in)? Just felt something telling me I wouldn't need them. It wasn't till later that I walked into cosmetology school only to find that their course was starting in two weeks and it was the last one that would offer the ROP discount (which i needed)
-The decision to drop all my classes (thank goodness I hadn't bought the books) and start cosmo school? Felt like it was just where I needed to be to minister.
-About three months till graduating cosmo school, I started leaning towards the decision to use my new skills to do missions work. Totally just a desire the lord put on my heart. Didn't make any practical sense whatsoever.
-Decision to attend the missions conference at rcf instead of traveling to see family? Just felt like it was where I needed to be that weekend.
-Decision to sit next to the CEO of Greater Europe Missions and his wife? Just felt like a good place to sit.
-Decision to go back and find an old email the other morning, five minutes before I needed to leave for my meeting with the missions pastor? Just felt like an important thing to do, even though I was probably gonna be late.

So there I was going back to find that old email when I saw one I had missed that had been sitting in my inbox for over 10 days. And it was an email from the missions organization I had applied with, Greater Europe Missions. It was the first I'd heard from them since a few weeks ago when they had written to say it looked like all the options they thought would be good for me, didn't look like they were really going to work out. I knew that wasn't a no, but I had also put a lot less stock in the European Missions front after that.

So then I see this little gem. The one that had been there for almost two weeks unnoticed. It was an email letting me know that a family who has been serving in Kosovo for a long time contacted GEM with a long list of ways they could use cosmetology where they're serving. As well as a bunch of other ways in which I could be of use. The family wants me to come and live with them for a year and help out by doing a whole list of different things there with them in Kosovo. One of the poorest nations in Europe, with a 90% muslim population (and a reputation for no electricity many times)

excitement
surprise
uncertainty
excitement
curiosity
nervousness
fear
excitement

I've been feeling all those things for the last week since I got this news. So much to think about. So many possibilities to weigh. If I go that will mean A, B, and C. If I don't go, thats going to mean D, E, and F.

The point is on this one, theres just too many feelings involved and I can't possibly begin to think that I can make this decision based on any one of them. And so the great consolation to all of this is that I can rest knowing that its God's job to stear my heart and that I will let him peel away all the feelings so that I can have assurance in what He's wanting from me here. And I especially keep coming back to the need for his peace and assurance because I know that if I am to go, there are probably going to be days where qutting and coming home are going to look very enticing (especially if theres no electricity). And unless I start with a rock solid certainty that Christ has placed me there for a purpose, I know its going to be far too tempting to convince myself on those days that I must have made the wrong decision. That I must have felt this one out wrong. That God wants me back home with my family and hot water.

So I need you to pray for me to get assurance. Whether thats assurance to go or stay. I need you to beg God to give me unwavoring clarity in this decision. So please pray for that for me. I need it.

And pray quickly if you wouldn't mind, cause I'm not gonna get such excellent air fare rates if I wait too much longer ;)

Finding Joy in Sadness

Sometimes blogging for an audience is hard for me because as much as I want to share things that are true and meaningful, I am deathly afraid to share things that are true and meaningful. Which is dumb and its a fear driven mostly by pride which makes it even dumber. Because its easy to write the stuff that makes me sound smart and discerning and well put together and focused. Its an entirely different thing to write the stuff that reveals where I'm awkward and broken and scared. But its not fair for me to only share the one side. Its not fair and its certainly not helpful. The people I can really relate to and who've helped me the most are the people who haven't tried to hide their broken pieces from me but have rather shared them in an attempt to help me with my own.

So I'll share my messes with you knowing theres a possibility you will no longer think that I'm perfect and you may even start to wonder if I've actually got serious issues and you may decide I'm too much of a mess and you're not really interested in being friends anymore. In the name of transparency, I'll take the risk.

The last few days I've struggled with feelings that I can only describe as a sort of depression. If we've spent time together in the last few days you may or may not have noticed it depending on how I felt at that particular moment. Some of you noticed because I came over to your house and cried, and others of you didn't notice at all and are probably wondering what else I've successfully faked in my life. Sorry.

I'm wondering at this point if it isn't some kind of spiritual warfare because early monday morning at exactly 3am I felt what must have been the lord, wake me up and give me some very specific things to pray for and then certain scriptures that I needed to read. It was weird and I can say that something like that has only happened to me maybe one or two other times. And I don't even remember all the things I prayed for or all of the verses I read but I do know that the two that stuck with me and that I woke up four hours later remembering was a line about speaking truth to your heart and then Psalm 16:9-10

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption

Which is both very strange and very encouraging because ever since that morning when I woke was when I felt a really deep sadness for no real reason that I could figure out. But that whole day I was constantly reminded to "speak truth to my heart" regardless of my feelings and also I was reminded that the Lord would not abandon my soul, despite the fact that my soul felt very dark.


So thats been this week so far. My prayer is that it is a passing thing and I won't have those feelings anymore come tomorrow. Because thats just not me.

Ok but...

In the last 3 days the best way I can describe how my feelings toward the lord have been, is that I felt as though I had to fight through all the sadness in order to cling to Jesus. I've felt especially broken and in need of Christ's rescue to bring me joy these past three days more than I probably ever have. I've felt totally incapable of being able to bring myself any comfort at all apart from time in scripture and prayer. And when the distractions were gone, I felt completely dependant on Jesus to keep me from melting down right there in my car or wherever.

In other words... I've been a hopeless sinner in need of the gospel.
In short, I've been a human this week.

And while I'm praying this is just some short lived thing and these emotions won't stay long in my heart, I'm thankful for the ways they have helped me to see where my normal every day living is not as dependant on Christ as it should be. These last 3 days I've "felt" totally incapable of bringing myself any real comfort, but the truth is I actually AM totally incapable of bringing myself any real comfort. Any comfort thats going to last that is.

Because I can say out of my head knowledge, that yeah I'm in a desperate state and completely hopeless without Jesus. But I often have days where I dont feel like im in a desperate state at all. In fact there are days when I think I'm doing pretty awesome and I'm getting so much work done and my life is in order and my friends all think I'm awesome and by golly people like me! And on those days its really easy to skip God and worship myself because eh, I'm not really THAT in need of Christ. Not on a day when everything is going super awesome.

Ok so don't get me wrong. God's main purpose is his glory and our joy. God is all about our having joy. Real, lasting, awesome joy. I don't believe that its God's desire for all of his children to live their lives in a weird emotional sadness. But I will say that I think these last three days have shown me quite a bit about the errors in my heart and how I actually need to feel that level of dependancy on Christ every day, not just the days when I'm emotionally sad.

Its been a good reminder that my hope is never found in my personality or my abilities or my accomplishments but rather its found in the un-relenting grace of my savior regardless of how I am "feeling". Because how can I truly celebrate his grace if I can't even acknowledge how broken and in need of it I really am?

So I'll leave you with these two quotes that really hit home for me on this.

"There remains a tendency in all of us to swindle ourselves into believing that we've grown beyond the need for moment by moment grace."

"Living by faith=I live like I believe my condition is as desperate as God says it is and his grace is as powerful as he declares it to be."

Thats all I got.

Suffocated by Anxiety

There are some days when I just feel so off-kilter and so out of touch that I find myself actually begging for the promises of God to be true. Which sounds silly because God is God and he doesnt break his promises regardless of whether I ask him to keep his word or not. Thank goodness he is not a human!
So today when I read the words “I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” (Psalm 32:8), I found myself begging God to please please let that be true for me.
And of course it is. I'm his child. His kid. All of his promises are true for me.

But sometimes it feels like they're not.

Sometimes I let myself fall away from scripture and reminders of his promises to the point that I forget they are even there. Sad. But true.

Confession; lately I have felt very anxious, very distracted and very unsettled. Bigger confession, I sometimes struggle with remembering that God is good. Confession number three, I sometimes treat prayer as if it doesn't work. This presents itself in my not praying or thanking God but rather worrying and meditating on possible solutions to my problems instead.

Its a vicious cycle. And its not how it needs to be.

And so I read the words of Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
And I'll read them over and over again hoping that by reading them enough times I will start to feel peaceful. And sometimes that works and its great for a while until something else creeps back up, and sometimes that doesn't work and I get frustrated because it feels like I'm begging God for peace and he's just not answering.

But the peace of God is more than a flimsy feeling of peace. It is a knowing, and a settled confidence in the sovereign goodness of God that will guard against all anxious feelings. Its when I really believe that God's promises are true, and he will guide me, and he does have things covered, that I can start to experience real peace.

And so when I am thanking God for his promises, and reading them and constantly repeating them to myself is when my trust in God begins to deepen and real peace starts to set in. But its when I'm not thanking God and I'm not thinking about his promises and I'm instead thinking about all that I dont have, and all that I need to do, and all that I want for myself that I lose my trust in God and eventually slip into a very self-focused anxiety and depression. And thats the thing that I'm constantly struggling against. An obsession with self vs. a peace in God. And every day I am faced with a choice to follow God or myself, and even as obvious as the answer to that question may be, it is still never easy. Prayer, is not always easy for me. Wanting to read my bible is still not always easy for me. Running to God with my problems is still not always easy for me.

But thats why Paul tells Timothy that its a struggle and we have to train ourselves into godliness. It doesn't just show up, and it isn't easy. Something about Paul saying that being godly isn't easy, that makes me feel a lot better about how much I struggle with it. But we do still work after it. Because Paul also reminds us that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. So its not a pointless struggling and God promises that we will grow in it. He's not just gonna leave us to it on our own to see how quickly we can hang ourselves.

Which is a really beautiful thing to remember on days like today when I feel completely wretched and unable to think straight because of all the anxiety building up in my thoughts. I wont get left in that. And more often than not I have to speak truth to my emotions. Perception is not always reality and just because I'm a girl doesn't mean my feelings always get to win.

Amen

Why I Dont Vote, but Will Next Time

Today was voting day and I did not vote. To be honest I probably would have voted had I been registered. But the fact that I've had two years to register and still didn't get it done is really nobody's fault but mine. Especially when my friend Andrea works at the county office and once picked up a voter registration card for me to fill out at my leisure. I think I left it in her car though. My bad again.

But you make time for the things you value.

So It's only fair that we call a spade a spade and just confess, I don't vote because I don't see it as that important. And by that important I mean, I've made special trips to town just to get milk cause we were out of it, but I wont take the ten minutes to register. Ah its true that apathy is alive and well in the young people!

But let me just stop and preface all of what I'm about to say with this simple truth. After today I have every intention of registering and voting in any and all following elections. Our last president was voted in the november before I turned 18 in December and so in my ignorance I went about my life thinking I had another four years before I had to worry about voting. This little election really snuck up on me. #uneducated voter

That being said, I had conversations today with a few different people on why I wasn't voting and basically my initial feeling on it was why do I want to put any amount of time and resources into merely working to patch the symptoms of a greater core issue? To me it all looks very bleak. And I know that's like the classic tagline for my generation. But I look at the candidates and just say, none of them seem to have hearts that I would want running anything of mine, let alone my state. Like some of those candidates I wouldn't even want to housesit for me.

And I get it. I get both sides. Just because you dont agree with everything about a candidate doesnt mean you should just be irreresonsible and ignore the whole thing. Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater. I get it.

But from everything I can gather, if we just boil it down to its most basic, a lot of voting is taking either uneducated guesses, educated guesses, or just picking the lesser of two evils. Which from a christian standpoint, when is it ever a good idea to pick any kind of evil, regardless of whether its the lesser one?

For a lot of people the issue of whether to vote or not is super black and white, its our civic right and duty and we need to be responsible citizens and even responsible christians and exercise that right or we have no business complaining about the state of things.

But I hardly ever complain about the state of things. The state of things is no surprise to me. We live in a fallen world with a fallen economy led by fallen people. And so for me the issue of whether to vote or not is very muddy. And in the end, the percentage of Calvinist in me goes Romans 13:1 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.

So God institutes the authorities that he sees fit, mostly through the willing actions of people, i.e. voters.

So heres my little take on voting for what its worth.
I think its good. I love that God has blessed me to live in a country where I feel safe and I am given a choice about things. I am unbelievably thankful that I'm not under African government or Chinese government or some other tyrannical form of government. I am. I appreciate American freedoms. But in the end, its not the most important thing. And as a follower of Jesus I'm more interested in living in a way that says to those outside the church, we actually have another way of living if you're tired of what this empire has to offer. Yes this economy is screwed, yes people want the right to do drugs whenever they'd like, yes our legal system is flawed, but none of those things should actually change anything about the way I intend to live. Because as much as I am given many freedoms through my American citizenship, I'm given a thousand times more freedom through my citizenship in Christ. And that freedom is irrevocable. And my American citizenship, and my government leaders and the amount of money that I'll have to pay in taxes does not define me. In fact if anything, Christians should be able to find joy in the fact that even if nothing we voted for goes our way, all that money and taxes are to us just silly and temporary and the real importance lies in eternity.

So we can vote sure, but we vote lovingly, in a way that is concerned about what will bring about the greatest potential for eternal well-being for our fellow citizens and if we're followers of Christ living as we should be, then like Paul, we can in any and every circumstance learn to be content.

Telling a Story With a Lite-Brite

Word on the street is thats all done with a lite-brite and 700,000 pegs. None of the light bright stuff is animated!



Love, love, love the stuff that David Crowder puts out. And I dont really even buy their albums. But theres about 10-12 songs that they've released that have just really stuck with me. And the interviews I've read and the book he released about death, and the few minutes I spent talking with him after a show once. I just love their creativity. And how they don't limit themselves to any specific genre. And I love that they belong to the growing group of christian artists that are producing really cool and innovative media. And this video is no exception. Check it out.

Be good to each other.

Sufjan Spits Truth

"The Good News is about grace and hope and love and a relinquishing of self to God. And I think the Good News of salvation is kind of relevant to everyone and everything".

That was the response that Sufjan Stevens gave in a recent interview when asked if he found that the calling to spread the good news sat awkwardly with his profile.

And while I'm sure you could totally argue points and possible theology errors behind this or just whatever, I don't really care. I can though simply say that I really like his answer. In its very simplest form, its absolutely true. It has to be, or a lot of us are liars.

Cause heres the thing that used to always leave me confused. Back in the day when I went to a church where if you looked good you were good. No questions asked. Dont cuss, drink, or watch bad movies. Listen to K-love, or Air-1 if you're younger, dont dress crazy and you're golden. So basically from the outside looking in, its just behavior modification 101. Do this, dont do this. And so for a while I had all these questions about where the gospel could fit into the lives of people who were already doing those things but without church. Cause from everything I had seen, crackheads and prostitutes needed Jesus, but middle class suburban mom's who brought snack to their kids' soccer games and had the perfect husband didn't really need Jesus at all, in fact it would look straight up silly for someone to try and tell them *their* life needed help. The way that evangelism was modeled to me was basically you find someone who's life is just a total mess. Like on the verge of destruction. And thats not hard to do. Not in this world. Then you tell them about Jesus and you present him in such a way that it sounds like if they would just believe what you were saying then their wreck of a life would get fixed and wala! Conversion. Go pick up your free ice cream cone for you and one for your new friend... not to mention your rewards in heaven....

But if you found someone who's life was not a wreck. Someone who had a great life and who actually seemed to be doing a heck of a lot better than you were, then..... awkward..... sorry, my gospel is not big enough to cover all of that awkwardity.

So those questions started out small and then pretty soon I was asking myself, if the gospel really was just a way to fix up everyones' life so they can look pretty. Because if thats all it is, then at some point there are going to be people that just don't need it. And I knew that couldn't be right, so it had to be something else. It had to be big enough to touch everything, everyone, everywhere. It had to be just as necessary to the super friendly old man who went to church regularly, gave money to orphans and never stopped smiling, as it was to the drug dealing prostitute with two starving kids at home. Because if it wasn't then it was useless.

Fast forward a few years to when I realized that the gospel is Jesus. Its a person not a formula. Jesus is the answer. Hhmm. Churchy.

The gospel is not five steps to material success and overall well-being. No thats the Oprah show and most of barnes and noble. The gospel is as Sufjan said, a relinquishing of self to Christ. Its freedom. Its not are you good or bad, lets figure it out so we can diagnose you. But rather its, here is God. You get God. God who loved you so he became a man so that he could climb into our lives and then die a sickening death on a blood-splattered cross to offer us something so much better than material success or overall well-being. He did it so he could become the curse for us and instead offer us himself. God, the God who created you and everything else, came down to offer us himself. And thats enough because once thats what we're after, then our lives make sense and they take on eternal value. We're all created to worship. Regardless of what you believe, you can agree on that. Humans love to worship stuff. Sports, people, cars, clothes, each other. Its in our DNA. Its just worshipping the wrong stuff that we're prone to and thats what leads us to sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection, betrayal and fear. But in Christ we're free from every bad thing, and freed up to have joy in every good thing. Because when we worship the God we were created to worship, then we can never be hurt, rejected or betrayed. Which is why the Christian who is about to have their head chopped off for the sake of Christ can have joy, because you can't stop a Christian, even if you kill him. Because they will get God. And he is enough.

Pick Any Overplayed Song From the 60's About Love & Use it to Cleverly Title This Post

So I've got this blog, right. And its my blog. Sorta. Really its blogger's blog and really its Al Gore's internet, and really its God's Al Gore. But basically its my blog. And I can say all kinds of things here. Whatever I want. And if you've never met me, I could use this blog to create a whole new persona about myself. If someone had never met me, and all they knew of me was my blog, and all that I ever wrote on my blog was stuff about snow leopards. And I researched them and wrote all kinds of posts about snow leaopards. About what they eat and where they live and what they look like and how much I just love snow leopards. La la la love leopards.com. You would really believe that I loved snow leopards.

But what if then you met me in real life and I never talked about leopards and I didn't own any lisa frank binders with pink leopards on them and when someone asked me a question about snow leopards I had no idea how to answer unless I looked the question up online and in fact I had actually killed a couple snow leopards before (that part is true)....... (not really).

I would end up proving to be super fake. And probably people wouldnt take my information about leopards seriously anymore (assuming that anyone would have taken them seriously to begin with).

Lets land the leopard spotted plane.

In my last post I wrote about Bethel. And all about where it was wrong and why I believe this and where scripture backs me up. And I'm not regretting writing that, or saying I should have been more careful. If you missed it, its the one right under this. Feel free.
But in my conversations about it with close friends in real life, I was a little less loving in how I came across. It was much easier for me to make stupid jokes about it or use the word "crazy" a little more often when describing the service. And I would definitely say I spoke my heart in that last post on here. I didn't fake it to try and sound "extra loving" or "extra spiritual". I just came home that night and snapped out the post while it was all still fresh.
But I also know that when it comes to real life, scripture says out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. So which is it?

Thats not the point (plane is still traveling down the landing strip apparantly)

This is the point

2 Timothy 2 “the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”

And then theres this little nugget.

John 13:34-35. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Really? Thats the distinguishing factor for a Christian verses everybody else? Are you sure it isn't having good theology and not watching Oprah? (althought both practices are equally important).

and finally the last nail in the conviction stained coffin

1 Corinithians 8
"Now concerning food offered to idols: we know that "all of us possess knowledge." This "knowledge" puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God."

That verse in its context isn't saying knowledge is a bad thing, and theres definitely a greater meaning going on there but just that idea alone is something that resonates with me for sure. Knowledge puffs up but love builds up.

Word.

So my goal is to never allow myself to act more spiritual or more loving or more anything in my writing than I would in my everyday speach and actions. But even more than that my goal is just to be more loving. I believe that God has given me a gift of discernment coupled with an unnatural desire to learn wisdom. Not cause I'm awesome, but just cause he wanted me to be able to use those gifts for his kingdom. The gifts I have aren't for me. They're for Him and for kingdom work. And the bible tells us that regardless of how much knowledge we have or any great ability to articulate it, if we dont have love its useless. So lets not get crazy and start thinking we're all something when we're nothing. Just love God because we want to be known by God. And thats it.

Bethel Convictions

Tonight....... I went to Bethel. My friend Andrea and I hopped in the car and went to the sunday evening service at Bethel church in Redding. Why? Because enough was enough. Because I've had several people recently either tell me they felt like God was calling me to bethel, or tell me that I seemed like someone who would go to Bethel and also because some of my very best friends attend there and I wanted to check it out. But also because I knew I needed to have more love for the people there. Because I've never made it any secret that the sin I struggle with probably the most is self righteousness and I hate that. But often that plays itself out in the form of "I'm right, you're dumb for being wrong, heres why I'm right, and heres why you should feel stupid". And I never would say those things out loud. Cause my sin is much too perfected for that. No I just think them to myself or let them come out in other ways. Usually through the use of sarcastic quips or jokes. Did I mention that I hate that about myself? I hate the arrogance in it and the fact that it denies the cross of its glory in saving me, the biggest idiot of all and then me still being able to somehow walk away and try to condemn others for their errors. Its sick. And I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit has already changed me quite a bit from how bad it was but I still need much grace to fix that in my heart.

No blog is complete without some good confession of sin, so that was mine.

Ok so we went and I prayed much before going and asked the lord to convict me of my self righteous feelings toward the church and help me to have love for the people there and especially for the pastor who I had currently loathed disliked very much. And I prayed for much discernment and then read through 1st Corinthians. And then we went.

Here is my forward. For Christians, whether or not something is "weird" should never be a basis for whether or not something is true. Like just the fact that something is out of my comfort zone, isn't automatically proof that it must be false and from the devil. Because we test things according to scripture not according to what we're comfortable with. Because really, Christians are weird. One of the foundational elements of our faith is that God chose to impregnate a 14 year old virgin so that she could give birth to his son, also being God, in a barn full of farm animals. Thats really weird, but to us who believe and understand it, its so completely beautiful. So as a Christian who has the Holy Spirit living inside me, then wherever scripture is being taught accurately and the Holy Spirit is truly present is where I should feel comfortable. If thats in a place where people are laying hands on everybody and women are twirling around on stage with banners, then thats my new comfort zone. Congratulations to me. Or if thats with my dressed up little butt on a hard wooden pew listening to nothing but an organ, then hallelujiah to that as well and may our own selfishness and pride not get in the way of opportunities to worship just because its not our"style". So up front I will just say that my overall conclusion of the church has nothing to do with the fact that it is very "different" in how its set up. But my conclusion does have everything to do with scripture and the fact that they did not adhere to it.

Alright so really not all that interested in giving you a play by play of what went on in the service and then the verse that negates it (bunch of people speaking in tongues at once with no interperter; read 1 corinthians 14 etc.) but I will give you the overall conclusion of why I am now finally convinced that Bethel is not just a matter of "yeah they're a little weird, but pretty close on most things so whatever". They are preaching an entirely different gospel. To which Paul would say anyone who preaches another gospel should be accursed. Different gospel=different team. And the thing that kills me. The thing that made it to where I could hardly stand to stay in the building one second longer is the thought of all the heartbreak these people will have and probably do have as a result of the frustration felt when God is not fulfilling promises that he never actually promised. God never promised He would make you have lots of money or be without sickness. In fact we worship a homeless man who was murdered. A man who told his followers that they would be without homes and would endure much suffering for his sake.

And so I am standing there looking at all these people. So many beautiful people, many of whom probably truly love the lord and want to follow him, but they are told that that means something that it doesnt. And they're being led to believe that if they could just muster up enough faith then their lives could finally be whole. When in reality all they need for their lives to be whole is the gospel. But the gospel wasn't taught there. No mention of it was made at all. Several people got "healed" of various problems. But no mention of Christ. And the problem with that, is that even if little johnny goes home and he's no longer cross-eyed, if he gets killed in a car crash, he still doesn't know Jesus.

And without the gospel nothing else matters. We have to believe that it is enough. And anything that teaches the gospel plus something, is not the gospel and should therefore be extremely guarded against.

Surprise by Design!

I'm going to confess to you that today I woke up and one of the first things I did was turn on the television. And I dont mind sharing that because it literally never happens. I mean I hardly watch any tv to begin with, but even then its usually in the evenings and for maybe like a half hour. Actually to be quite honest I've found myself completely incapable of making it through an entire half hour program. Ever since Lost went off the air I have had almost zero interest in the tube (I hate myself for just calling it the tube).

But I think today was different probably because my parents are gone and usually by the time I wake up my dad has been up for hours and the news is always on. The very first thing I hear in the morning is CNN. And when I wake up and dont hear that, its weird and I know something is off. So today after asking the lord what I should do with this day that I had originally had something scheduled for but now was a completely blank slate, I flipped on HGTV and watched about six minutes of designed to sell. And in that six minutes my brain said "aha! We shall paint the living room!" And I turned off the tv, jumped in the shower, cleared the room, moved the furniture, dumped out my jar of paint samples, picked some colors and then headed into town for supplies.

The walls in our house have always been just this mental hospital white. No joke. The walls are white. The trim is white, the doors are white, the ceiling is white, the windows are white. My house. Is white.

Which is probably why I'm such a freak about color. But my poor mother. She's always wanted color on the walls. But it scares my dad for some reason. He likes white. And a couple weeks before they left my mom said to me "you know if you wanted to maybe paint one of these walls while we're gone, I would be ok with that". Thanks mom. Thats all I needed to hear. Anyway, long story short as an anniversary present to them both, bust mostly my mom I decided it was time for some color.

Before

After

Very warm and cottagey. Not exactly my personal style, but I think it will be right down their alley. And just in time for fall.

Now we wait and see what they say :)

Holy Spirit vs. Pepperoni Pizza

disclaimer: in the event of pure and total honesty (i would say transparency, but I just heard recently that "Yammering about "transparency" makes you seem crooked. It's like constantly reminding people you're not a child molester." So #countmeout) I will say that this post was actually written last sunday but never finished so wherever I say today, I really mean last sunday. Till you start getting to the end, and then if i say today, I'm most likely referring to today today. All in favor of not caring which day I'm talking about say aye. Good. Here we go.

K, story; today (but not today) after we were dismissed from church I was standing in the aisle and a man who had been sitting behind me came up and introduced himself. I didnt know him at all and if I'd seen him before at church I'll be honest and say I never paid attention. But he shook my hand and then he told me that for several weeks he felt the lord had been pressing on his heart to talk to me. To apologize rather. I had no idea what he could possibly need to apologize for. I'd never talked to him. Then he told me that several weeks ago in church I had turned around and looked at him sitting a few rows back and I had waved and given a big huge smile. And then he said, "I dont know, maybe you were waving to someone else behind me, but I've just really felt the lord telling me I needed to come talk to you and apologize for not waving back and just giving you a blank stare". Well not to sound uncaring but I either must have been waving at someone else or he must have had me mistaken with someone else because I'm fairly friendly, but its really quite uncharacteristic of me to just whip around in the middle of church and wave at strange men. Sorry I'm not sorry?

BUT. You have to do something with the fact that he "felt the lord pressing on his heart to apologize to me". And for weeks he said he felt this! This man, by what he said, has apparently been battling conviction for weeks about something that didn't really even happen.

So what do we do with that? Well you always have the possibility that while the holy spirit knew full well I had waved at someone else he had something to teach this man about compassion or friendliness. Maybe. Thats for him. Happy to help. But then theres also the idea that the holy spirit wasnt convicting him at all. That he had nothing to feel convicted about, it was just a misunderstanding and he allowed his guilt and emotions to plague him for weeks and convince him that the issue was spiritual.


Because thats what I do.


I think part of it is just the way I am wired. I almost can't help but overthink every situation. And then overthink the reasons why I overthunk it (that just happened). My inner head voice is constantly running. And so I can't deny the fact that I've acted several times from feelings that I was so sure were God driven only to see later where it was really just my own desires drowning out all the other voices till I was convinced it must be God talking when in reality I was acting out of selfishness. And some of these weren't just small decisions. Some were things I prayed and prayed about and in the end went with my "gut" (a.k.a. fake holy spirit voice) only to realize later that I'd made a "mistake" and what I thought was the holy spirit's calling was actually just that spicy pizza talking back.

"my gut is telling me no..... but my gut is also very hungry"-Gob Bluth (that was for free)


So here is what I know:
John 10:3-5
"To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers."

So judging by this passage I am to be familiar with God's voice. I'm supposed to know it and run from what is fake. And when I do hear His voice I am to trust it, because thats the voice of my father who doesn't harm me ever. So how do I get familiar with that voice? How do I get to a place where I know whats real and whats fake. Whats God and whats pizza.... or me.... or satan?

The Biiiiiiiiiible. The same way you get familar with any other voice. You listen to it. Over and over again. All the time. I can be in the noisiest establishment sitting far away from the speakers but I can tell you within seconds if a Dashboard Confessional song comes on (not the most impressive of skills to brag about I know). Why? Because I've been listening to their music for years and I know it. And if another band covered one of their songs, I would so be able to tell.

So I guess my point is, its when I'm not spending enough time in scripture and in prayer that all the different voices sound fuzzy. And I think maybe the little run in with church guy, regardless of what it meant for him, was a good reminder for me to stay in that place where I know God's voice so that I will be able to flee from other voices that are not his, the ones that do intend to harm me.

What Would Jesus Paint? WWJP

If you were just to take the very simplest definition of the word bipolar, it would more or less pertain to me. But only some days. Which really only confirms my suspicion even further. You can probably find a more fitting category for me in the DSM-IV, but as my friend said, that’s ok. We all fit in there somewhere.

But all unqualified medical diagnostics aside, my particular brand of back-and-forths, pertains mainly to my love of throw pillows and paint chips (and thats how, in just one sentence you can alienate half the people who started reading your post, so for two of you that are still here, come right this way...). To keep my explanation of the interworkings of my conscience as simple as possible, i'll give you the two most basic extremes of where my heart will be at on a given day.

First Extreme

1. When Jesus comes back and we're forever released from the spell of materialism and we realize that much of our lives were wasted on things that have no eternal value despite the fact that we were created for eternity and momentarily forced to live in time, we will not care what our house looked like, or what our hair looked like, or what brand of watch we wore. And we will see those things for the filthy hinderences that they were in the mission to live and preach the gospel.

second extreme...

2. Color excites me. God has so obviously given me a passion for fabric and paint and furniture and seeing colors come together and designing ways to make a space feel comfortable or inviting or warm or fun. And I love getting paid to create and paint and persuade others to make their home look more appealing and love to spend hours and hours on it.

Background...

I've always known I loved decorating. Like I dont know why really or exactly when, its just always been there. And when I was seven I designed my own bedroom. I wanted light purple on the bottom and sponged mint green on top with white wood border in the center and stamped purple butterflies on the border. And I remember my mom taking me to target so I could pick out the bedding i wanted. I chose soft mint green sheets (which i still have) and a dark purple comforter for contrast (which I still have) and then various pillows of white and green and purple.

Alright, so i've always loved design.

When I got older I started loving Jesus. And I remember feeling conflicted because I always thought you were supposed to put the practical thing you loved together with the thing you were created for. So kinda like if I loved singing then I needed to lead worship and make christian music. And if I loved writing, then I should write books about Jesus or fiction novels for teen girls about young women in the west who wear bonnets. But interior design? How do you interior design for Jesus? And so I wondered how you would take something that is purely superficial and could be argued in the gospel perspective a waste of our resources and make it not those things? So I painted a youth room. I painted my old church youth room and I painted scripture and quotes about Jesus on the wall thinking that was a good way to mesh the two. And it was I guess.

But like I said, I feel this really strong sense of "who cares what your house looks like, in light of of the fact that people are dying without Jesus". So if I can spend 50 dollars and paint my bedroom or I can spend 50 dollars and send bibles to Africa, or feed a starving child or give clean water to 50 africans, how can I justify the aestethics? And really I dont know the answer. I guess the answer is, sometimes I can't justify it. And other times I can. But its definitely not something I dont still struggle with.

And that sounds really weird and a little dramatic and I've heard countless people give me the advice of, "well God made us to enjoy those things and its not a sin for us to want to enjoy his creation", and maybe it really is just as simple as that. But I'm not talking across the board right and wrong. I'm just talking personal conviction. I'm saying that for me, with as much as I enjoy putting colors together and imagining artistic ways to decorate, and I dont feel God is angry at me when I choose to paint, I still feel a slight twinge of, "at the end of my life am I going to wish I had spent more time painting or more time ministering?"

I have lots of different thoughts about it, verses about "Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" or how I can use my paint skills missionaly, or how by that train of thought much of what we do is a waste of time, and those are other blogs, for other days, but for now, thats where I personally am at. My personal legalism :)

Painter of Vines

Finally finished my bedroom painting! Aaaand closet organizing. Aaaaaaand drawer cleaning, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand clothes getting rid of. Unloaded a good five trash bags full of stuff into my car. I feel thirty pounds lighter. Too. Much. Stuff. Found a lot of cool junk though. You nevre realize how weird your life has been until you go through all the stuff you've saved from it. Also found lots of heart melting notes and cards and gifts from people. Even though its usually an all day production, I actually kind of enjoy sorting through all my stuff when its been a while. And Holly made out like a bandit.
When I started my room about five months ago I had a plan for the main wall that involved a pretty ridiculous floral design mural. I started it and then school and everything else kept me from finishing and I just had these horrendous half-painted flowers on the wall that made me want to barf every time I woke up and saw them. So painting over them was on the tip top of my "things to do when I get done with school list"
Since I have so much paint on hand though from all kinds of other projects, my goal was to not spend any new dollars on this one. I just used whatever paint I had in our (my) shed. Which made it a little more challenging I guess, but it was also more fun getting a new room design for free. And because I do a lot of painting for other people, its rarely *just* about what I want for a space. Of course I always get to throw in my input and ultimately I usually do end up putting something close to my original vision up on the wall, but theres always the other person to consider. Their tastes, personality, budget and willingness to take risks. Which is what makes it fun for me, but when I go and do my own room theres always an increased level of excitement because I get to do whateeeever I want. So I try and do things that are new to me. Or that I wouldnt suggest in other peoples' homes cause I'm not sure how well it will turn out (i.e. crazy floral murals). But in this case, I just went for the classic tree on the wall. Its overdone for sure, but who cares? I still dig it. And I did try to give it my own little twist. So without further ado, heres the mostly finished product!

I got the inspiration for the vines from some wall rub-ons that I saw and then I just added the fat bird to give it a little extra color.




And of course one bird would just be lonely so I gave him a cute little yellow wifey bird. Hopefully I dont end up with a bunch of little orange baby birds stuck to my wall :)

Kayla R Your Appointment is Here!

The rumors are true! Thank you all so much for the prayers not only for my state board test but also for me while I was in school. I feel completely grateful knowing that so many people were praying! As a result, I am now a California licensed Cosmetologist for hair skin and nails. But lets be honest, you really only want me working on your hair. I avoided waxing appointments like the plague while in school and artificial nails is just one aesthetic I will never understand. If you're supposed to wear gloves when working with the chemical then who decided it was a good idea to mix em together and fixate them to your fingers? It's just weird to me ok? Sorry again if thats your thing. My thing is having clean fingernails I guess. The point is, I'm done and that feels really, really refreshing. About 11 months ago on October 20th I showed up for the first day of school and now almost a year later, Im walking away with a license for cosmetology. Good game. But glad that season is over for me. Except that I would do it all again even if it meant failing state board and never getting a license (dont tell my parents though, they funded the whole operation). I would though because it was during my time in cosmetology school that God chose to cure me of my narcissism. Or at least some of it. #godofirony

And so for all of the complaining I did, for all of the "free time" I didnt have (which I now realize was actually being used more or less as wasted time before) and for all of the weird, gross, cranky and creepy people I dealt with, I can see where God's hand was in all of it, drawing me to a better understanding of him and what kinds of things he can use to teach his children. And how my comfort is far less important than my need for humility and to learn over and over again that this movie is not about me. And so for that I would do all eleven months again. True Story.







But I dont have to because I passed state board so lets just rejoice in that!

Choosing to Stay Away From Books About Girls in Bonnets

Yesterday I found this article on the Mars Hill Blog titled, Awesome Women of the Reformation and I was drawn to it because in Christian media circles I feel like its kind of hard to find good lit for women that is about more than just relationships or emotions or housekeeping like Martha in the bible. Not that those things aren't important its just that usually they are more about me and how I can become a slightly more Jesusy version of Martha Stewart. So when I was younger I always got the impression that real theology study was for boys and for girls there was a whole series of fiction books written by Beverly Lewis that we could choose from. All of which seemed to showcase an emotionally torn young girl living in prospector territory California who has to rely on prayer to help her make the tough decision between chastity and following her dream of becoming a saloon dancer. Fill in the blanks.
Am I bitter about whats on the market as christian literature for girls? No. Why would you ask that?
But really, my point is I liked the article because many of those women were wives and mothers and worked with children and managed the home but they were also martyrd and they had to flee their homes and they were educated and they challenged bad theology and they just worked really really hard.

• Katharina Schutz Zell: organized relief for 150 men exiled from their town for their faith, and wrote scriptural encouragements to the wives and children left behind
• Elisabeth Cruciger: She wrote the first protestant hymn in 1524, which created a controversy since women were not usually songwriters in her day.
• Marie Dentière: She was part of an Augustinian monastery in Tournai, which she later left after embracing the teachings of the reformers, a crime against both church and state. She also spoke out in public taverns and on street corners.
• Catherine Willoughby: she fled to the Netherlands with her infant and was forced into exile as a support of the Reformation.

I want to do missions work yes. Very much. But I also know God's given me a heart for children and for homey things and maybe for marriage, but I dont want those things to collide with each other. I'm praying that its not a matter of choosing between one or the other. And if I do have a daughter some day I would much rather her read about these women than about fictional ones that present the greatest goal in life as being married to a "neat christian boy".




*I've never actually read any of those books by Beverly Lewis, thats just what I assume them to be about judging by the covers. Which I know is the mark of ignorance. Anyway, if you are someone who reads those and have found them to be particularly encouraging then I apologize. and also good for you.

650,000 Hours

I want to do missions. I've fed that line to probably more than 100 people in the last 3 months. During my time at cosmetology school, every client that would come in would inevitably ask the question "so whats your plan once you graduate?" They would throw it in right after "So how much longer you have in school?" which I'm convinced was their not-so-subtle attempt at hypothesizing the chances of getting their hair screwed up that day. Eh, you get whatcha pay for.
However once it became clear that it had to be the Holy Spirit giving me a strong desire to do overseas missions I started giving that as my answer. "What do you wanna do after you graduate? I wanna do missions." Which would then evoke a myriad of replies such as the immediate response of "Oh where do you go to church at?" or "oh you must go to that bethel church?" (which is a post for another day folks.... no really) or my personal favorite "you make any money doing that?". And so in all the responses and all the feedback from friends and family I kept expecting that at some point I was sure to change my mind and realize I do actually want to just live normally and decently, close to home. But I didn't and I haven't and I don't. I want to do missions. Gospel centered missions. And for me I feel like thats gonna look like teaching the gospel to people that would otherwise not hear of it. The beautiful precious gospel of Jesus' love and death and redemption for us. I want to be used to bring that incredibly great news to people who would not be able to know it otherwise. Even though I definetely wont "make any money doing that". Because when Jesus comes back with a sword and kills everybody till blood runs in the streets we are not gonna care what our hair looked like or what kind of car we drove or the brands we wore. Thats all gonna burn. Theres only one thing that lasts forever and thats peoples' souls. I think I want to spend my life on those.