Why Do I Ever Doubt?

Its 10:30pm on tuesday the 15th of March and I currently have a gaping hole in each of the four corners of my mouth. For the last three days my sole mission in life has just been to make sure no stray food particles get trapped in any of those holes. So far so good. I take this task very seriously as said caves are a somewhat direct, somewhat indirect result of my upcoming missions trip to Kosovo.

So I want to share a few stories because I think it is good for us to rejoice in each other's blessings and be blessed by extension. I don't share any of these to say how great *I am* that people have given or to share other peoples' business or anything like that but rather just to show how great God has been in spite of how doubtful I have been in so much of this.

So that being said,

Story number 1:

Before I knew where I was going for sure, before I had any dates nailed down and before I even was convinced that God was for sure calling me to missions I got a text.

It was late at night and that evening had been one of much doubts. Yeah I felt like God was calling me to missions work but I had never really done anything like this before. I would miss home a lot. It would be hard. I would get scared. It would take A LOT of money. Maybe I misheard him. How could I know for sure?

*chimes*

text message

(quick paraphrase) "hey i know its late but I just wanted to let you know that we are super excited about you wanting to do missions work and we think its great that you're willing to serve the lord like that and so we just want you to know that we're definitely going to be praying for you and that we really feel like God is calling us to support you financially so keep us posted on what you need because we really want to join with you in this"

Me. Almost in tears. Blown away. There was just something about getting that text that was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Confirmation. And also knowing that God had put it on OTHER peoples' hearts to join me in this as well. That was huge. And also a lot of relief that I didn't just make this up one day cause I was bored. There really was a plan.

But that is just story number one (and there is actually more to that story that makes it even cooler but I'll keep that for now).

Story number two:

Some friends of some friends were coming into town and I was going to be giving her a haircut. They are a young couple and he just started a job as a pastor at a tiny church where naturally they are not rolling in the dough. In fact they had very little money at the time. Barely enough to drive up for her own baby shower. And so I was going to cut her hair, no charge just as a favor. Try and bless them. Ha. I finish the haircut and they instead turn around and give me a bunch of cash and say they have money that they give to other missionaries and they want me to use it for my missions trip to Kosovo. Again I was so humbled. Here I was thinking I would bless them and then they totally turn around and bless the crud outta me with *their* giving.

But thats just story number 2 :)

Story number 3;

I needed new glasses before I leave since my current pair got smashed in an unfortunate French bounce house incident while on my last missions trip, and I'll most likely not be able to wear my contacts as much as I'm used to while in Kosovo. So last week I went into the office of my eye doctor (who is also a Christian) and long story short he totally gave me a huge discount on my glasses because he wanted me to be able to use the money for my trip. Amazing! I didn't even know he really knew I was planning to go anywhere. God once again meeting my needs through willing hearts within the Church.

But thats just story number 3... Deep breath.

Story number 4!;

The holes.

Some friends of mine who I first got to know through a random painting job and then a while later started watching their two boys on a regular basis also happen to own their own dentistry practice and also happen to love the lord and have generous hearts. They knew my wisdom teeth were bothering me and needed to come out but it was going to cost quite a bit of money and because I don't have any insurance, it was going to have to be paid fully by me. So I prayed about it a little and just felt God wanted my money to go towards getting me to Kosovo and so I was going to trust him to just take care of it. Heal them up, miraculously remove them, I didn't know. I just knew he wanted me to trust him for it.

Several months later I was at their home after watching the kids when they told me they really wanted to support me for my trip to Kosovo but that they also didn't want me having a wisdom tooth flair up in a ghetto country and so they were going to... wait for it.... remove all four of my teeth the next week.... no charge.

I was so floored. There was my answer right there. God's people living generously, and my needs were being met just like God said they would be. I am still so so thankful to them for their willingness to love the lord in that way.

And story #5 which I love cause it has almost nothing to do with me :)

In the fundraising guide book they gave us, there was a section that said it was a good idea to pick someone that you wanted to support you, and through prayer alone, see what God did. And it also said you should be specific and write down the amount that you felt God wanted you to pray for from them. So I prayed about this and picked some family members who don't live around here and at the time hadn't heard anything about my trip to Kosovo. I made the decision to just pray about it and see what God did.

Well long story short, I never said anything to them about it but my grandma I guess mentioned it one day on the phone and their response was, well how much does she need? And then it was pretty much left at that.

Until tonight when I got home and my mom informed me that said family members were going to be driving through on their way to washington and wanted to stop so they could give me some money for my trip. The amount? Exactly what I had written down to ask God for. Not even kidding. You can check my prayer journal if you don't believe me. UH-mazing. I never had to say one word to them about anything. I just prayed and God took care of all of it.

And I have so many more stories that I could keep going with. All of them so precious and important. People who have chosen to give despite not having an excess in their bank account and despite having other hardships that might keep many of us from trusting God. All of them are blessings the Lord has given me throughout this adventure. Examples of ways that the body of Christ has stepped up and readily and graciously reached out to meet my needs whatever they might be. And its given me so many examples of God's goodness to fall back on when I am doubting his hand in this. These last couple months have taught me more about what it means to be generous and willing to serve than any sermon or bible study on either topic ever could have. I have truly been overwhelmed by it all.

So thank you to all of you who have given me stories like this. I love watching the church function how it was intended and I pray that God will enable me to give and serve in ways like this as I've learned from the examples of others who have stepped out in faith and generosity and freedom despite "logic" or what may be considered "responsible financial planning". I am really learning so much through this!

Balloons

I don't like to give a lot of mindspace to the "live life to the fullest" mentality. I just think its trite and usually very self centered. However, I cannot help but feel a little gipped when I think about how 5 year old me really believed that by this point in life I would have already stumbled upon at least one deflated helium balloon that had given up and fallen from the sky over a random location after being let go at a parade or the zoo. Its always been a dream of mine to find one. You just know there has to be millions out there. What happens to them? They can't keep flying up forever. But surely they don't stay in space long enough to disintegrate. Where do they all land? Maybe they just eventually explode from the increase in pressure, but still, what of the ribbon they were attached to? I just find it hard to believe that I haven't found even ONE by now, thats all.

When I was little I used to write notes and put them in balloons and then send them flying up into the air hoping someone would get my note and send me one back. I'm still waiting though.

we can't imagine heaven without our family, but we can imagine it without Christ?

There have been many days where I have not snuggled into the grace of God over my life. Too many days where I've ignored it. And more days than I'd like to admit where my pride has told me that I didn't even need it.

I've got this.

I work hard.

I'm handling it

It's up to me.

I'll figure this out.

The disconnect for me had always been that sometimes it really DID feel like I'm the one making things happen. Sometimes I can get through an entire day with relative success, problem solving and organizing and then realize at the end of it that I never once asked God for his help or what his plans might have been. Then my response to that was often a subconscience, "well its cool cause things worked out in the end".

Until I realized what I was really saying was "Its cool God cause I really only want you for the benefits and if I can get relatively the same positive results without you, then I'm good with it"

Far cry from love.

Then I read something one day. A lot of us have probably already read it and it came from J.Pipe, and it was this;

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—

is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the

friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and

all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties

you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no

human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with

heaven, if Christ were not there? "

And when I first read that, I knew the answer my heart first gave was "yes".

And then I realized IT.

And then I cried.

Cuz I'm a crier.

Because at that point in my life, I had drifted to a place where Christ cared about me being in heaven with him way more than I cared about him being in Heaven with me. And he gave up everything to get me there, I was willing to give up nothing in order to "enjoy" life down here.

I think that is when I fully realized how far away I had slid.

The good news though, has always been that reconciliation with God is only one heart condition away. And its God's kindness that draws us to repentance and so through His love and kindness, my repentance, and his forgiveness, things have been restored.

BUT

it is a good reminder when I find myself falling back into the patterns of just "getting life done" that I need to check myself and determine what things I am really striving to attain. Am I suffering for joy, or am I just suffering? Am I really after a relationship with God who loves me, or am I just after his stuff?

Jesus help me.