Unbelief

2011 was a year that started with a trip to Colorado to prepare for a trip to Kosovo to prepare for a trip back home to prepare for the rest of my life which is now being lived out daily in preparation for I don't know what. But I would say in terms of growth and finding a deeper understanding of my purpose, 2011 has been one of the best years so far. As a natural response to learning what it means to fully follow Christ I found myself able to shed a lot of anxieties and fears that had marked the previous decade. And because I am being pursued by a God who knows just how to love me, opportunities to learn and experience this were in abundant supply so that I might have places to look back on and KNOW that I was being molded for a reason.

To be lost in the back streets of a foreign country and have no options for communication except to look up to my Father and ask him to tangibly guide me to where I am going. And to find myself just knowing which turns to make regardless of my never having taken them before. Trusting God becomes real when the solutions are sure to have come only from Him.

To be stuck in the city, keys locked in the car, hanging from the ignition and me having no way to pay for assistance except to look up and ask God for help, and then to have him send a man walking around the corner to call a tow truck and pay the bill, exclaiming as he left, "don't worry about it, its been a good year!" Receiving becomes real when the gifts are sure to have come only from Him.

And then to find myself drenched in confusion, seeking direction and praying earnestly for God's plan to reveal itself since my idea of a plan seemed to change by the hour, and then to have God literally pour out direction in the clearest form, replacing my confusion with guidance and my anxiety with peace. Seeking God becomes real when the answers are sure to have come only from Him.

Whether I like it or not, and I don't like it, I am a doubter. One of my favorite verses in the bible is when the father of a sick child cries out to Jesus to heal him and says "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" I pray that same thing very often. I am a doubter loved by a God who never waivers. I am waffley and he is steadfast. I know I believe, but there is also so much unbelief. And the unbelief makes its way in the form of selfish decisions and bad judgement calls. It shows up in the way I spend my money and the way I spend my time. It shows up in the money I spend on entertainment because I do not really believe God asks me to feed the hungry. It shows up in the care I spend putting together a perfectly matched outfit because I do not really believe God asks me to clothe the naked. It shows up on my phone bill and the check I write to cover my data plan because I do not really believe God asks me to care for orphans.

But I want to believe. To REALLY believe. To grow the belief I have from being a small thing that laces my actions to becoming the very thing that defines my actions. There are many things that I believe God has called me to do. Things that involve feeding the hungry and clothing the naked and loving orphans and I feel that God's leading has been more evident in the last two years than ever before in my life and He has patiently worked to cultivate desires in my heart that started out as slight notions but have now become full-fledged visions for the future I believe He has for me. And some of those desires He has planted so deeply within my soul that they have embedded themselves into my thoughts and I cannot imagine that others do not also have the same desires. I wonder how someone could *not* long to adopt a precious, lost child out of a life that screams forgotten into a family that boasts chosen and loved? (you should all consider adoption, just sayin)

And so my desire for 2012 is to take active steps to "help my unbelief" and to look for the things in my life that tell of that unbelief and then get rid of them. And i already know its going to be very difficult and I'm not gonna like it at first probably. I've already resolved to not buy any new clothes for the entire month of January and possibly February as well. And thats hard cause I really like buying clothes. And then to set aside money each month that is specifically for providing food for others who need it. And at some point... I will hopefully get to a point where.... I can... reduce my data plan on my phone and use that money to maybe sponsor a child. And it would be really easy to just go down and do that right now because I know I maybe should but I really want it to come from my heart because God loves a joyful giver and I don't want to do it only half-heartedly... and also I really like it.

So those are some of my goals for this next year. If you think of it you can pray for me and I posted them here as a way to hopefully hold myself accountable. And my prayer is that in taking these steps to follow Christ more fully, it will help my unbelief and I will find myself able to trust Him even more.

Happy New Year!