Why I Cry at Christmas

Its officially 6 minutes into Christmas Eve which means among other things, that Santa is probably up at the north pole right now doing the final inspections on the sleigh and the list before the big run tonight. It also means I should be in bed which is heavily evidenced by that last sentence.

Just plain silliness.

Everyone knows Santa checks the list like weeks before Christmas.

Ok, I know what I wanna say so I'll make it quick.
I love Christmas time because regardless of whether or not its "how it should be", in the time surrounding Christmas more than any other time in the year, people's hearts and minds are seemingly more geared towards thoughts of things bigger than themselves. Whether thats God or family or generosity or thankfulness. Culture just seems to be saturated with these kinds of ideas (even if they are just being used as a ploy to sell more crescent rolls).

Heres my point. I say a lot of things about God and Christ and a bigger picture where we are all living lives in light of eternity. I talk about this stuff all the time, like I'm getting paid for it.

And some of you don't believe it.

A lot of you don't believe it.

Some of you believe some of it but not all of it. I can't begin to think that I know whats in anyone's heart. But I know a lot of what's in my heart and if I didn't believe in something but I had a friend that kept pushing it on me like I was less of a human without it, I'd get really tired of hearing it. And I'd probably start to wonder if they even cared about me or if it was more just some weirdo contest to see if they could convince me over to their side. Like that would somehow validate what they're doing. Maybe you think those things about me.

I can't know unless you tell me.

But I can tell you this.

I've gone with my family to church every Christmas Eve for the last 20 years. And every year I fight back tears. Tonight I went to church and sung the same songs we always sing and heard the same message I always hear and I still cried at the thought of it.

God pursuing me.
Jesus coming for me.
to suffer for me.
to heal me.
to save me.

Because me=
broken
hurt
scared
nervous
insecure
lonely
selfish
guilty

And God.
Because of Jesus.
Doesn't care about
any.
of that.

And so I.
Because of Jesus.
Don't have to cary
any.
of that



Which frees me to give and serve and have

Joy.
Peace.
Love.


And thats what I want for you. That's why I keep saying the same things. Because 20 years in and its still bringing me to tears.

Merry Christmas!

80 Year Old Back Pain Teaches a Lesson

I think Jesus throws my back out when he knows I'm at my end and NEED a rest. Cause he knows that I'm awful when it comes to obeying his command to rest and I won't stop running and doing unless its absolutely necessary. Somewhere towards the end of Cosmo school I remember being 113% burnt out on life but still doing 40 hours a week at school, plus babysitting on mondays, plus high school group and bible study and church and meetings and painting jobs week after week after week just stuff. And at this particular time I was just too swamped with all of it and I remember feeling like I just need a BREAK. But I couldn't because I had no days off left from school.

Then that morning as I was making my lunch I bent down to grab a string cheese out of the fridge and snap! My back went out. Shooting pains all up my spine and down my legs. I couldn't stand up straight and I just stood there doubled over crying in pain like someone 4 times my age.

It was really attractive.

Long story short I went to the doctor later that day and he said I needed to stay out of school for at least a week. Which led me to think about all the things I could catch up on in that week. Or go hang out with friends, or go shopping. Except that God knew what I needed and for the first three days, it was so painful to walk all I could do was just stay home and lay on the couch. And even though my mind was too far gone in multi-task land to see it right away, at the end of that week it was so clear that "nothing" time was exactly what my body AND my soul needed.

The last day or two my back has been acting up again (I sound like the most out of shape 60 year old, but really its just something that runs in my family) and so today I came home and layed on the couch on the heating pad, hoping it would help the pain (I'm 100) and almost immediately after I layed down I thought, aw man I should have grabbed my phone so I could at least do something while I have to lay here.

Yeah.

It was like this subconcious but concious default setting of needing to be doing something or reading something or texting something or tweeting something.

And that's when I realized I have an addiction.

I have an addiction to multitasking, which isn't even a real thing because studies have shown us that its impossible for a human to multitask our brains can only just switch from one activity to another at a very rapid pace. Some more rapid than others :) But I've conditioned myself, my brain, to not be comfortable unless I'm involved in at least 3 things at once. This is horrible news. But it explains why I feel unsettled if I'm standing in a line at the store and I reach for my phone only to realize I left it in the car. What now? You mean I just have to stand still here in this line and do nothing? Aaaawwwkkward...

Or why just while walking from one store to the next, I'll log in and check my facebook. Or why I generally have 8 different search tabs open along with music and pictures. Its why I can no longer just sit and listen to a podcast by itself. Now I have to be playing robot unicorn attack while listening to a podcast (but seriously... that high score, untouchable).

So I'll conclude with this.

1. technology is great for a lot of things, but I blame the iphone and all its glorious cabilities for making me this way. Never had this problem with the shotty razr that could hardly text.

2. The above is just a symptom of a bigger heart issue. If I was comfortable just being where I am and taking time to listen to God's voice without noise or interruptions then I don't think I would be so drawn to those things in the first place.

3. I dont remember much about my senior year at high school but I know that the opening line for my ten page research paper final was the quote from Jim Elliot that said "wherever you are, be all there" and I repeat it to myself often. Apparantly to no avail.

4. I believe one of the spiritual ramifications of this problem is my frustrating struggle when it comes to spending any extended amount of time in prayer. And by extended I actually just mean more than 5 minutes solid.

5. I am greatly looking forward to my time in Kosovo with little electricty and most likely no cell phone as I'm hoping it will bring me back to a place where I dont need all those things going at once in order to feel right.

6. In the mean time I am going to work at just doing one thing at a time. Just one thing. Not texting at stop lights. Or checking my email while walking through the mall. I am going to put into effect the practice of "wherever I am, thats where I am".

and 7. In addition to realizing this problem I have, I've always recognized its coincidince with my inability to just be still, and listen, and meditate, and rest and create.

Its why God created sabbath. Because he knew that for us to function at our very best and healthiest then we were going to need days where we.
just.
exist.

Twenty in Twenty

Climbed to the top of the Eiffel tower (and stole a bunch of Eiffel tower pencils from this basket)
walked through the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa (much smaller than I would have thought)
Listened to some lady sing opera at notre dame
took the elevator to the top of the empire state building
(theres a gumball machine right next to the elevator cause your ears pop so much.
road a ferry to the statue of liberty
walked through George Washington's house
shopped at the mall of America (didn't buy anything but some pizza though)
saw U2 in concert on the last stop of their Vertigo tour (it was a weird show)
Swam in Hawaii
Watched planes fly over pearl harbor on Pearl Harbor day
Watched a Broadway play in new york
chewed the same piece of gum for a week (don't judge me)
caught a ball at a major league baseball game (with my brothers hat)
drank beer in Germany
ate cheese in Switzerland
switched drivers in a moving vehicle (true story. it was scary)
Tried on $1500 shoes at Saks Fifth Avenue
Watched all 3 Lord of the Rings extended editions in one sitting (wanted to hang myself though)
Been in a car crash (resulted in staples in the head)
Been to Disneyland several times
Etc. Etc.

Whats with the list high-lighting all the exciting experiences I've had and throwing in your face the fact that someone, somewhere obviously had some money? Well because I turned 20 today and that was the list of "memorable" things I could come up that I've done in the last 20 years. And I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out, but the point is that by most people's standards I've already lived a really full life. I mean I've done all things, been all those places, seen all those landmarks, and I'm just 20. But the thing about all that stuff is that a lot of it I can barely even remember and the stuff on that list that I do remember seems to be having very little effect on my actual character and the work I can do for the kingdom.

Today after church we were talking and a friend said, "it doesn't matter if you have a great plan for your life, if its not God's plan for your life then you're wasting your time".

Word.

And we were created by God so if we really want joy in our lives, it makes sense that we would need to care about the things God cares about. And God cares about people. But even more, God cares about peoples' hearts. And so I really need to start caring more about peoples' hearts. And not their hearts in relation to how they feel about me. But just pure unadulterated love for people regardless of how they relate to me.

So I've got that list, and those were all great things, and God blessed me in getting to see those things and watch those things and climb those things, and I've got a lot of name/place dropping I can do now I guess ("oh you mean the summer I spent in France? ah yes, just delightful!") But I'm really more than anything praying that from twenty on, I would care about God's plan for my life rather than my own, and that I would have people along side me that will make sure I'm caring about God's plan for my life, and that call me out when I'm not... even if the plan I came up with looks pretty decent. And that I would love more and love well.

And thats the plan :)