Lacking in Nothing

God did not create a world of scarcity. But the majority of the world's population are living in a state of not having "enough". Not enough food, not enough water, not enough shelter, not enough safety and not enough justice. But I live in America where I have more than enough food, water, shelter, safety and despite what most would argue, America has been gifted in justice as well.

So for me the problem is focused inward. I struggle regularly with feelings that *I* am not enough. As a student, I don't always get the grades I would like. As a hairdresser I don't always get the results I would like. As a youth leader, I don't spend as much time with the girls as I would like and I feel like I'm always missing their games, track meets, plays and performances. As an auntie I feel like I'm kissing Holly goodbye more than I'm just snuggling with her on the couch hiding under a blanket (which she loves). As a friend it feels like I'm constantly forgetting to text someone back or get together with that person like we've been planning. And as an overall productive member of society, I still don't have a real job that pays me a regular salary.

And sometimes I feel totally crushed under the weight of all that. And I feel like I should just quit everything and go live in the forest or something. Because I'm "obviously" just letting everyone down and didn't you know that the ENTIRE WORLD is depending on me to watch their kids and do their hair and paint their houses and disciple their high school girls and get a college degree and a husband?

But really, thats just how I feel, but its not what i know. Because what i know is that the movie is not about me and in the same way that God didn't create a world of scarcity, he also did not save me and give me his spirit so that I could feel like someone who is lacking and unable to live the life He's got for me. Because its true, I'm not enough. And when I'm trying to be something for everyone out of just my own abilities, I end up not having enough for anyone. On my own I'm not enough but in Christ I am completely whole and healthy fit for good works which God prepared in advance for me to do (ephesians 2:10). And if its in my weakness that God is glorified then how is it any credit to Him when I pretend to be handling all of life just great on my own?

And the truth is, I love my life! I really do. I'm so grateful that I get to spend my time with kids that I love and high school girls that I love, and that I get to use other peoples' homes and heads as outlets for the creativity God gifted to me. I love that my life is such that because I don't have a serious job, I could leave for 3 months to Kosovo. And I love that my schedule includes: "stay up for 24 hours with good friends and high schoolers playing games". So please don't hear me say I am not thankful, because I am! And please don't hear me say I don't enjoy it, because I do!

I read a quote this week that said "the christian life is either supernatural or its nothing". So, I can either look at the responsibilities surging in the coming days (and years) and feel crushed and inadequate or I can trust God, move forward and watch the supernatural.

Option number 2 please.

Giving Away Our Stff

I had to wait a few days before I could write this post. I had to let things settle in for me. Sometimes when you go away to a place you build up the emotional experience inside so much that you think it was the place that held the intrigue when really it was just your own chemicals firing off in a certain way.

Jump.

When I was in middle school and going into grade school I believe the lord really put a calling on my heart to love and care for the poor and homeless. He just did. Theres really nothing else I can say but that. And if you ask people that knew me then they could probably tell you that when it came to ministry options, thats where my vote went every time. And it got really serious going into high school, and I started doing art projects centered around the rejected places in society and essays on social justice and homelessness in America. I read books about those living in poverty and loved things like Relevant magazine because they put a big emphasis on those social justice issues.

Thats not me being great. Thats straight Holy Spirit, God's grace, Jesus' example.

But I don't play instruments and I'm too shy to sing and I'm not gifted in athletics and I don't love to talk in front of people and so my preferred way to serve has always been giving. If I have it and you need it, then I want you to have it instead. Thats kinda all I got anyway.

So while talking with a woman we met up with in Salem who basically turned out to be bizarro Kayla, just a few years older, and also married with a baby (nice to see thats where my life is headed though) her, and my friend Andrea and I had a long talk over lunch about ministry within the church and what that looks like and what it should look like and how originally the whole reason behind ministering to the church body was so that the church could then in turn go out and minister to those who were in need of it. And how thats a far cry from some of these mega-churches that get built so those within the walls can become increasingly more comfortable so that they can start new programs for themselves etc. etc. all the while not doing a whole lot to meet the needs of the poor and broken within their city.

But probably my favorite thing about the whole discussion this statement made by our Salem friend when she said "if I ever start buying things that are so expensive and valuable to me that I can't bring myself to give them away to someone else who needs them, then I need to not have those things to begin with".

And I just totally love that. And believe it. And want to keep it in mind and remember it every time I go to spend my money. Even though its not my money to begin with.

Thats all I got.

Think about it.

Why Do I Ever Doubt?

Its 10:30pm on tuesday the 15th of March and I currently have a gaping hole in each of the four corners of my mouth. For the last three days my sole mission in life has just been to make sure no stray food particles get trapped in any of those holes. So far so good. I take this task very seriously as said caves are a somewhat direct, somewhat indirect result of my upcoming missions trip to Kosovo.

So I want to share a few stories because I think it is good for us to rejoice in each other's blessings and be blessed by extension. I don't share any of these to say how great *I am* that people have given or to share other peoples' business or anything like that but rather just to show how great God has been in spite of how doubtful I have been in so much of this.

So that being said,

Story number 1:

Before I knew where I was going for sure, before I had any dates nailed down and before I even was convinced that God was for sure calling me to missions I got a text.

It was late at night and that evening had been one of much doubts. Yeah I felt like God was calling me to missions work but I had never really done anything like this before. I would miss home a lot. It would be hard. I would get scared. It would take A LOT of money. Maybe I misheard him. How could I know for sure?

*chimes*

text message

(quick paraphrase) "hey i know its late but I just wanted to let you know that we are super excited about you wanting to do missions work and we think its great that you're willing to serve the lord like that and so we just want you to know that we're definitely going to be praying for you and that we really feel like God is calling us to support you financially so keep us posted on what you need because we really want to join with you in this"

Me. Almost in tears. Blown away. There was just something about getting that text that was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Confirmation. And also knowing that God had put it on OTHER peoples' hearts to join me in this as well. That was huge. And also a lot of relief that I didn't just make this up one day cause I was bored. There really was a plan.

But that is just story number one (and there is actually more to that story that makes it even cooler but I'll keep that for now).

Story number two:

Some friends of some friends were coming into town and I was going to be giving her a haircut. They are a young couple and he just started a job as a pastor at a tiny church where naturally they are not rolling in the dough. In fact they had very little money at the time. Barely enough to drive up for her own baby shower. And so I was going to cut her hair, no charge just as a favor. Try and bless them. Ha. I finish the haircut and they instead turn around and give me a bunch of cash and say they have money that they give to other missionaries and they want me to use it for my missions trip to Kosovo. Again I was so humbled. Here I was thinking I would bless them and then they totally turn around and bless the crud outta me with *their* giving.

But thats just story number 2 :)

Story number 3;

I needed new glasses before I leave since my current pair got smashed in an unfortunate French bounce house incident while on my last missions trip, and I'll most likely not be able to wear my contacts as much as I'm used to while in Kosovo. So last week I went into the office of my eye doctor (who is also a Christian) and long story short he totally gave me a huge discount on my glasses because he wanted me to be able to use the money for my trip. Amazing! I didn't even know he really knew I was planning to go anywhere. God once again meeting my needs through willing hearts within the Church.

But thats just story number 3... Deep breath.

Story number 4!;

The holes.

Some friends of mine who I first got to know through a random painting job and then a while later started watching their two boys on a regular basis also happen to own their own dentistry practice and also happen to love the lord and have generous hearts. They knew my wisdom teeth were bothering me and needed to come out but it was going to cost quite a bit of money and because I don't have any insurance, it was going to have to be paid fully by me. So I prayed about it a little and just felt God wanted my money to go towards getting me to Kosovo and so I was going to trust him to just take care of it. Heal them up, miraculously remove them, I didn't know. I just knew he wanted me to trust him for it.

Several months later I was at their home after watching the kids when they told me they really wanted to support me for my trip to Kosovo but that they also didn't want me having a wisdom tooth flair up in a ghetto country and so they were going to... wait for it.... remove all four of my teeth the next week.... no charge.

I was so floored. There was my answer right there. God's people living generously, and my needs were being met just like God said they would be. I am still so so thankful to them for their willingness to love the lord in that way.

And story #5 which I love cause it has almost nothing to do with me :)

In the fundraising guide book they gave us, there was a section that said it was a good idea to pick someone that you wanted to support you, and through prayer alone, see what God did. And it also said you should be specific and write down the amount that you felt God wanted you to pray for from them. So I prayed about this and picked some family members who don't live around here and at the time hadn't heard anything about my trip to Kosovo. I made the decision to just pray about it and see what God did.

Well long story short, I never said anything to them about it but my grandma I guess mentioned it one day on the phone and their response was, well how much does she need? And then it was pretty much left at that.

Until tonight when I got home and my mom informed me that said family members were going to be driving through on their way to washington and wanted to stop so they could give me some money for my trip. The amount? Exactly what I had written down to ask God for. Not even kidding. You can check my prayer journal if you don't believe me. UH-mazing. I never had to say one word to them about anything. I just prayed and God took care of all of it.

And I have so many more stories that I could keep going with. All of them so precious and important. People who have chosen to give despite not having an excess in their bank account and despite having other hardships that might keep many of us from trusting God. All of them are blessings the Lord has given me throughout this adventure. Examples of ways that the body of Christ has stepped up and readily and graciously reached out to meet my needs whatever they might be. And its given me so many examples of God's goodness to fall back on when I am doubting his hand in this. These last couple months have taught me more about what it means to be generous and willing to serve than any sermon or bible study on either topic ever could have. I have truly been overwhelmed by it all.

So thank you to all of you who have given me stories like this. I love watching the church function how it was intended and I pray that God will enable me to give and serve in ways like this as I've learned from the examples of others who have stepped out in faith and generosity and freedom despite "logic" or what may be considered "responsible financial planning". I am really learning so much through this!

Balloons

I don't like to give a lot of mindspace to the "live life to the fullest" mentality. I just think its trite and usually very self centered. However, I cannot help but feel a little gipped when I think about how 5 year old me really believed that by this point in life I would have already stumbled upon at least one deflated helium balloon that had given up and fallen from the sky over a random location after being let go at a parade or the zoo. Its always been a dream of mine to find one. You just know there has to be millions out there. What happens to them? They can't keep flying up forever. But surely they don't stay in space long enough to disintegrate. Where do they all land? Maybe they just eventually explode from the increase in pressure, but still, what of the ribbon they were attached to? I just find it hard to believe that I haven't found even ONE by now, thats all.

When I was little I used to write notes and put them in balloons and then send them flying up into the air hoping someone would get my note and send me one back. I'm still waiting though.

we can't imagine heaven without our family, but we can imagine it without Christ?

There have been many days where I have not snuggled into the grace of God over my life. Too many days where I've ignored it. And more days than I'd like to admit where my pride has told me that I didn't even need it.

I've got this.

I work hard.

I'm handling it

It's up to me.

I'll figure this out.

The disconnect for me had always been that sometimes it really DID feel like I'm the one making things happen. Sometimes I can get through an entire day with relative success, problem solving and organizing and then realize at the end of it that I never once asked God for his help or what his plans might have been. Then my response to that was often a subconscience, "well its cool cause things worked out in the end".

Until I realized what I was really saying was "Its cool God cause I really only want you for the benefits and if I can get relatively the same positive results without you, then I'm good with it"

Far cry from love.

Then I read something one day. A lot of us have probably already read it and it came from J.Pipe, and it was this;

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—

is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the

friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and

all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties

you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no

human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with

heaven, if Christ were not there? "

And when I first read that, I knew the answer my heart first gave was "yes".

And then I realized IT.

And then I cried.

Cuz I'm a crier.

Because at that point in my life, I had drifted to a place where Christ cared about me being in heaven with him way more than I cared about him being in Heaven with me. And he gave up everything to get me there, I was willing to give up nothing in order to "enjoy" life down here.

I think that is when I fully realized how far away I had slid.

The good news though, has always been that reconciliation with God is only one heart condition away. And its God's kindness that draws us to repentance and so through His love and kindness, my repentance, and his forgiveness, things have been restored.

BUT

it is a good reminder when I find myself falling back into the patterns of just "getting life done" that I need to check myself and determine what things I am really striving to attain. Am I suffering for joy, or am I just suffering? Am I really after a relationship with God who loves me, or am I just after his stuff?

Jesus help me.

Girls and Lies

Right now I have about sixty little scraps of paper in a Michael's bag in the sock drawer of my bed. Not a big deal. Except that really I don't like the bag being so close to me while I sleep. But I know if I move it I'll forget to pray over it. And I feel the need to pray over it because on each scrap of paper are written lies that come straight from hell.

This weekend I went to camp and spoke to approximately 50 plus high school girls on where our identity is found and how that shapes the way we live and the way we act. Also we talked about some of the lies that we believe and allow ourselves to be defined by, specifically in regards to love, because that was the theme. And when I was done I asked the girls to write down, anonymously, on a piece of paper the lie that they most believed about themselves that was affecting the way they lived. And then I collected them. And then on another piece of paper I asked them to write down the lie and underneath to write down a verse that speaks against that lie for them to keep. Here were some of the responses;

You read these responses and there's no much hurt and insecurity and rejection and shame. And the girls cranked these out in no time. It did not take them more than a few minutes to know what they wanted to put on that paper.

Also, most of the things written on the papers were repeats. I think there were only a couple that said something completely unique. And I bet if you asked a group of 1000 girls you'd still get the same 15 answers from all of them.

So those are the thoughts that are driving most high school girls to act the way they do. All of them admittedly working from these places of hurt and searching for ways to heal that hurt. Looking to anything and everything for approval. And they're wearing themselves out and coming up exhausted and with greater pain.

And Jesus hung for that.

Hung so we could avoid that.

Hung so that we could be free from the the need for approval from others because we now have access to his approval, and He runs things.

But we have to believe it. And then we have to live it.

Practice What You Preach

"She started carrying a purse full of peppermints earlier than most"-- my gravestone

If I were completely honest, then I would have to admit that I sometimes worry I'm going to end up being an old spinster with a cat and a garden and the boxed set of Golden Girls on dvd. Complete with bonus features for those extra lonely nights when I just need a fresh laugh.

And all the children of the children I now spend my current life babysitting, will refer to me as nanna and ask me to tell them stories of when I watched their parents and all the shenanigans they got into. Oh the shenanigans!

It could be fun actually.

It also sounds like my worst nightmare and I pray it doesn't come true.

Segue

I'm supposed to be speaking to high school girls this weekend on the importance of finding our identity in how God defines us and not anything else. And I don't know that I've ever been given more opportunities to remember that than this week.

Funny.

But not haha funny.

More like really God you had to make sure I was serious about it? funny.

Which isn't funny at all.

It has actually been really exhausting.

But a good kind of exhausting in that I can now speak with confidence that yes, surrendering your future over to the lord is a very difficult thing to do, (and I'm sure I haven't struggled with the last of it), BUT it is the only thing that has ever brought me any real joy.

Believe that or not. It is the truth.

His

This week is perhaps a beginning to sharing truth with Europe, which, we are commanded to do in order that others may become as we are—His.

His.

I am His.
Maybe you are His as well.
Maybe you're not.

Maybe you once believed that you were and then unlovely things happened and you took them as proof that He is unloving. I've been there. I've been there within this month. I've been there only to later see the purposes of those wounds and once again fall into humility that I once again dared to doubt his kindness.

But in these last few days, in taking all of this in, in sharing our stories and our messes and sharing about deaths and drugs and absent fathers and alcoholic mothers and crying together and remembering and seeing how only God could have moved in the hurt like He did to bring about blessings and purpose that would otherwise be impossible, I have been overcome with the reality that I AM his. I must be.

I belong to Him. He takes care of me. He doesn't abandon me. He hasn't ever betrayed me.
Its an incredible feeling when you can look back and know with certainty that your life is being completely cared for.
Its something we all need.

And so I will keep being His haircutter, His painter, His missionary—because I have to share the truth and the story of what Christ has done. Its mine, and His, and others need to hear it; they are starving for need of it. I can't let them.

Of Seeds and Boulders

If you had told me ten years ago that I was going to be cutting hair for money I would have told you to go wash your filthy mouth. And then I probably would have hit you with a throw pillow as a reminder that I paint houses not hair.

Ten year old Kayla was really feisty.

Twenty year old Kayla is still pretty feisty too actually.

Sometimes I still can't believe I have a license to do hair. Not because thats such an unbelievable thing, but rather because its just never where I thought I would be.

And on that first day of cosmetology school I never thought that by the end of it I would be preparing to move to an almost a 3rd world country for a year to cut hair and share the gospel.

But its been a good reminder of the seeds God plants in our lives. Seemingly insignificant occurrences that eventually lead to drastic changes. And its good for me to look back on the fruit of those seeds when it seems like I'm just stuck in the dirt for no reason.

Today I had three short text conversations with three different people all of whom were essentially having the same problem but each coming at it from different avenues. They just couldn't see around the thing that was obstructing their vision and sucking their joy. And I could only recognize it because I've walked in it often. I've been there where I've allowed even the smallest of things to so become my focus that eventually I could see nothing else and it was as if I had no future outside those things.

I read an incredible quote this week that said "Nothing is as big as God. But even little things can block out the sun if held too close to the eye."

So heres my tie-in: Its human nature to assume that whatever situation we're in now is the same situation we're gonna be in years from now. Like we know thats not really the truth, but it doesn't stop us from getting frustrated and acting like it is. And if we're honest we don't really consider our lives to be short until we're nearing the end of them. But the reality is God sees our lives as a vapor. Short. Here today and gone today.

And in light of eternity, which is what our souls have actually been designed for, thats an exact accurate view of things even though we almost never see it that way.

But the comfort is that God still moves in our lives. Just because we're experiencing something now doesn't mean God's left us there and forgotten about us. He's got a plan. And sometimes all we can see is the seed of that plan. And sometimes we're so smothered by it that we cant even recognize its a seed but instead it just looks like a huge boulder in our way.

But slowly, eventually, in his perfect and loving timing the seed starts to grow and the stem pokes its head out from the soil and there is light. The same light that was always there helping us grow but that has just now been made visible.

Don't make the mistake of viewing your present circumstances as bigger and more lasting than they are. And especially don't make the mistake of viewing God as fleeting and smaller than He is.

"O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am

Psalm 39:4

Questions and answers

an adulterous soul

how could one body house such polarity

and still ever be graced with liberating enjoyment

internal rest

healthy affection

for anything?

I wonder about my purpose

why is it sometimes so hidden

why have these beginnings?

why create this mouth, that hand, those feet

why plant the tree at all

Sovereignty knew rebellion

God made the unnecessary

Sovereignty knew the agony

blood and flesh ripping

unceasing rejection

God chose the unlovely

why elect the unfaithful the disloyal

you say that I'm worth it to you

you said the agony was your joy

when you rearranged dirt to make us

that was your joy?

I question without end.

and then you question me

and I remember

I was not there when you laid the foundation of the earth

I have not entered the storehouses of the snow

and I cannot condemn you so that I may be in the right.

Job 38-40

NYTYTHITD

SO.

I don't make new years resolutions because I don't like to do things I'm not good at. Also I don't like to fail. And even though you'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

(thank you Mr. Zeller) I still don't like the stigma surrounding resolutions. Because there is so totally a stigma. Almost to the point where not making a new years resolution is the new making a new years resolution.

Actually the serious truth is that I don't like the idea of resolutions because they set up this pass or fail situation where failing often leads to depression and passing often leads to self righteousness. There's really no winning in that.

But I do love the idea of fresh starts and I do love the concept of setting goals and working at change in areas of your life that need it.

So I like to make what I call New Year's Train-Yourself-to-Head-in-that-Direction(s)

And this year for my NYTYTHITD (it will catch on, don't worry) I have decided to focus attention specifically on learning to be more encouraging and respectful toward others.

Which is tough because sarcasm is actually my native tongue. And also tough because it seems to be everybody's language of choice these days. Encouragement doesn't sell. Sarcastic wit and mockery sells.

But heres what I think I know about teasing in general. It eventually wears people down. Even the ones that would tell you its how they show affection, once the shoe is on the other foot, the right comments made by the right people the right amount of times and you're gonna see things go bad for that relationship.

And heres what I know that I know about encouragement. When someone says something to encourage me, its really.... encouraging. And it makes me wanna do better and serve them well, out of affection and not just half-hearted submission.

Which is why if I'm babysitting a kid I try never to throw out the "why don't you ever listen to me?" card because that isn't going to make them listen. Its just going to send them the message that says "I don't listen to her" and then they're going to continue to ignore me while still in a sense living up to my expectations of them.

Proverbs 18:21 says that death and life are in the power of the tongue...

So my words to people can either bring them life or send them in a death direction. Thats a pretty sobering thought. Especially when you hang out with kids all the time. Its also why when the kids I watch start fighting, I say awkward things like "we speak life over this mario competition!" and they look at me like I'm a total nutjob. Which gets them to stop fighting. See what I did there?

Its true though. And it applies to every relationship you will have. I've seen it a hundred times.

Romans 12:10 tells Christians to "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

Outdoing one another in showing honor? Like I don't even know what that would look like. But I bet its super healthy and everyone is working to serve everyone else and not just themselves.

And then Hebrews 10:24 "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works..."

It sounds to me like we're actually supposed to be giving some mindspace to the task of figuring out how we can love and encourage each other. Pre-meditated encouragement as opposed to pre-meditated murder.

So that's my NYTYTHITD for this year, and I'm certain this isn't going to just happen without the work of the Holy Spirit so if you think of it you can pray that I'd be heading in this direction and I'll pray for it too and for the rest of us that we might be less concerned with how funny people think we are for our sarcasm and more concerned with how we can use our words to bring life to the people around us.