I think Jesus throws my back out when he knows I'm at my end and NEED a rest. Cause he knows that I'm awful when it comes to obeying his command to rest and I won't stop running and doing unless its absolutely necessary. Somewhere towards the end of Cosmo school I remember being 113% burnt out on life but still doing 40 hours a week at school, plus babysitting on mondays, plus high school group and bible study and church and meetings and painting jobs week after week after week just stuff. And at this particular time I was just too swamped with all of it and I remember feeling like I just need a BREAK. But I couldn't because I had no days off left from school.
Then that morning as I was making my lunch I bent down to grab a string cheese out of the fridge and snap! My back went out. Shooting pains all up my spine and down my legs. I couldn't stand up straight and I just stood there doubled over crying in pain like someone 4 times my age.
It was really attractive.
Long story short I went to the doctor later that day and he said I needed to stay out of school for at least a week. Which led me to think about all the things I could catch up on in that week. Or go hang out with friends, or go shopping. Except that God knew what I needed and for the first three days, it was so painful to walk all I could do was just stay home and lay on the couch. And even though my mind was too far gone in multi-task land to see it right away, at the end of that week it was so clear that "nothing" time was exactly what my body AND my soul needed.
The last day or two my back has been acting up again (I sound like the most out of shape 60 year old, but really its just something that runs in my family) and so today I came home and layed on the couch on the heating pad, hoping it would help the pain (I'm 100) and almost immediately after I layed down I thought, aw man I should have grabbed my phone so I could at least do something while I have to lay here.
Yeah.
It was like this subconcious but concious default setting of needing to be doing something or reading something or texting something or tweeting something.
And that's when I realized I have an addiction.
I have an addiction to multitasking, which isn't even a real thing because studies have shown us that its impossible for a human to multitask our brains can only just switch from one activity to another at a very rapid pace. Some more rapid than others :) But I've conditioned myself, my brain, to not be comfortable unless I'm involved in at least 3 things at once. This is horrible news. But it explains why I feel unsettled if I'm standing in a line at the store and I reach for my phone only to realize I left it in the car. What now? You mean I just have to stand still here in this line and do nothing? Aaaawwwkkward...
Or why just while walking from one store to the next, I'll log in and check my facebook. Or why I generally have 8 different search tabs open along with music and pictures. Its why I can no longer just sit and listen to a podcast by itself. Now I have to be playing robot unicorn attack while listening to a podcast (but seriously... that high score, untouchable).
So I'll conclude with this.
1. technology is great for a lot of things, but I blame the iphone and all its glorious cabilities for making me this way. Never had this problem with the shotty razr that could hardly text.
2. The above is just a symptom of a bigger heart issue. If I was comfortable just being where I am and taking time to listen to God's voice without noise or interruptions then I don't think I would be so drawn to those things in the first place.
3. I dont remember much about my senior year at high school but I know that the opening line for my ten page research paper final was the quote from Jim Elliot that said "wherever you are, be all there" and I repeat it to myself often. Apparantly to no avail.
4. I believe one of the spiritual ramifications of this problem is my frustrating struggle when it comes to spending any extended amount of time in prayer. And by extended I actually just mean more than 5 minutes solid.
5. I am greatly looking forward to my time in Kosovo with little electricty and most likely no cell phone as I'm hoping it will bring me back to a place where I dont need all those things going at once in order to feel right.
6. In the mean time I am going to work at just doing one thing at a time. Just one thing. Not texting at stop lights. Or checking my email while walking through the mall. I am going to put into effect the practice of "wherever I am, thats where I am".
and 7. In addition to realizing this problem I have, I've always recognized its coincidince with my inability to just be still, and listen, and meditate, and rest and create.
Its why God created sabbath. Because he knew that for us to function at our very best and healthiest then we were going to need days where we.
just.
exist.
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