If you were just to take the very simplest definition of the word bipolar, it would more or less pertain to me. But only some days. Which really only confirms my suspicion even further. You can probably find a more fitting category for me in the DSM-IV, but as my friend said, that’s ok. We all fit in there somewhere.
But all unqualified medical diagnostics aside, my particular brand of back-and-forths, pertains mainly to my love of throw pillows and paint chips (and thats how, in just one sentence you can alienate half the people who started reading your post, so for two of you that are still here, come right this way...). To keep my explanation of the interworkings of my conscience as simple as possible, i'll give you the two most basic extremes of where my heart will be at on a given day.
First Extreme
1. When Jesus comes back and we're forever released from the spell of materialism and we realize that much of our lives were wasted on things that have no eternal value despite the fact that we were created for eternity and momentarily forced to live in time, we will not care what our house looked like, or what our hair looked like, or what brand of watch we wore. And we will see those things for the filthy hinderences that they were in the mission to live and preach the gospel.
second extreme...
2. Color excites me. God has so obviously given me a passion for fabric and paint and furniture and seeing colors come together and designing ways to make a space feel comfortable or inviting or warm or fun. And I love getting paid to create and paint and persuade others to make their home look more appealing and love to spend hours and hours on it.
Background...
I've always known I loved decorating. Like I dont know why really or exactly when, its just always been there. And when I was seven I designed my own bedroom. I wanted light purple on the bottom and sponged mint green on top with white wood border in the center and stamped purple butterflies on the border. And I remember my mom taking me to target so I could pick out the bedding i wanted. I chose soft mint green sheets (which i still have) and a dark purple comforter for contrast (which I still have) and then various pillows of white and green and purple.
Alright, so i've always loved design.
When I got older I started loving Jesus. And I remember feeling conflicted because I always thought you were supposed to put the practical thing you loved together with the thing you were created for. So kinda like if I loved singing then I needed to lead worship and make christian music. And if I loved writing, then I should write books about Jesus or fiction novels for teen girls about young women in the west who wear bonnets. But interior design? How do you interior design for Jesus? And so I wondered how you would take something that is purely superficial and could be argued in the gospel perspective a waste of our resources and make it not those things? So I painted a youth room. I painted my old church youth room and I painted scripture and quotes about Jesus on the wall thinking that was a good way to mesh the two. And it was I guess.
But like I said, I feel this really strong sense of "who cares what your house looks like, in light of of the fact that people are dying without Jesus". So if I can spend 50 dollars and paint my bedroom or I can spend 50 dollars and send bibles to Africa, or feed a starving child or give clean water to 50 africans, how can I justify the aestethics? And really I dont know the answer. I guess the answer is, sometimes I can't justify it. And other times I can. But its definitely not something I dont still struggle with.
And that sounds really weird and a little dramatic and I've heard countless people give me the advice of, "well God made us to enjoy those things and its not a sin for us to want to enjoy his creation", and maybe it really is just as simple as that. But I'm not talking across the board right and wrong. I'm just talking personal conviction. I'm saying that for me, with as much as I enjoy putting colors together and imagining artistic ways to decorate, and I dont feel God is angry at me when I choose to paint, I still feel a slight twinge of, "at the end of my life am I going to wish I had spent more time painting or more time ministering?"
I have lots of different thoughts about it, verses about "Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" or how I can use my paint skills missionaly, or how by that train of thought much of what we do is a waste of time, and those are other blogs, for other days, but for now, thats where I personally am at. My personal legalism :)
Loved this one. I think a lot of times, we find it hard to mix Jesus with our worldly passions. I know I do. And I would love to give you all this great advice right now, however, this is between you and God and the both of you have to figure it out. :) Only He knows the right answer. I will be praying for you! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhy can't you share Christ's love through painting?
ReplyDeletethanks Jess! you probably do come into contact with that too!
ReplyDeleteand andie, its not so much that i dont think i can, thats actually the only reason i can justify it. Im just talking more of the spending my life counseling people to pay 30 bucks for a throw pillow thats gonna burn. I guess really its more the financial aspect i get convicted about. I'll do anything missionaly though
Hey Kayla. Maybe you could use profits from your business to further missionary work. God could use you in a different way. He could take what you love, make you very wealthy in it so that you can share monetarily to further His kingdom. : )
ReplyDeletehaha gotcha...throw pillows are very insignificant in the grand scheme of things!
ReplyDeleteNo, you don't know me. Nor should you. Nick Welch linked to your blog and I archive binged. I've experienced something similar and you might like to hear my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of the summer I decided I wanted to write (commercial, not literary) fiction as a hobby. Of course, I still plan for a day job in structural engineering. So I'll always be searching for how to spend my time to fit in writing. But that's not really my point.
In your main post, you mentioned fiction writing as an example of a possible passion. Subsequently, you mentioned writing books about Christ or historical teen fiction. I do believe that writing, as one my passions (architecture being the other), is very God given. I also believe in using it to glorify God.
In the context of an already very theological blog, I think it's safe to say exactly why I'm considering writing. I went through a brief (two-ish years) phase during middle school in which I wanted to write a book. So I spent my moments alone following a trio of characters named Keith, Jane, and Ana all around the forest in the depths of my mind. But I was more infatuated creating ideas than recording them on the page as words and never wrote the book. Soon I forgot and moved on to architecture and I was mildly distressed with myself for wasting so much time in my thoughts about something ultimately useless.
At the beginning of last school year, I came back to the idea briefly, adding two more events but then forgetting again. During the course of the year, I discovered how, much to my surprise, the story detailing Keith, Jane, and Ana became a prophecy detailing a short span of events in my life. I became Keith, my best friend's girlfriend filled the role of Ana, and the girl I was crushing on during the year was Jane.
When the school year ended and most all of it had been fulfilled, I had obsessed over the events befalling Keith enough to decide "Yeah, I actually could write that story." So now, as I pursue writing this story, I'm adding events in the middle of the narrative. As I conceive of each event, I carefully go back and fact-check it with the reality which has already passed. More often than not the events I consider adding do line up. Which is fantastic.
In stark contrast, I once tried desperately to add events after the ending in order to further predict the future. That, however, did not work. Those events are scrapped, long gone, and forgotten.
What I'm finally trying to say is how I'm glorifying God in my writing. In one respect I realize my a unique situation, with the prophetic status of my original daydreams. But as I pursue fleshing out the story into something meaty enough to fill a few hundred pages, I choose to have this as a novel instead of a prophecy. And the more I develop events and characters, the less I am Keith, or my best friend's girlfriend is Ana, or The Girl is Jane. It's becoming far less important to me whether the epilogue--Keith and Jane live happily ever after in an enduring marriage--ever actually happens. I'm growing content with where I am and not where I might be in twenty years.
So my book, this first book, will glorify God by speaking truth. Not blatantly by declaring the name of Christ on every page (I have magic for a spiritual realm--it's fantasy), but by providing the truths that I've learned over the past year in my walk with God. In English class, we call this "theme."
I do agree that all my pages and words will burn when this world is done, but I also realize people will be reading my work. If my writing can be some sort of tool of God in the life of at least one other person (aside from real life Jane; she doesn't know and that's another can of worms) then my work in this world will live on to eternity because the souls touched by my words are eternal. And as I write I grow closer to God as well. That's enough for me.
I'm not sure if any of that helped, but I do hope it did.
thanks for the comment Kevin. Thats cool that you're growing closer to God through your writing. Definitely a reason to keep on doing it :)
ReplyDelete